Flag day.

Some people love their countries flag, it’s like a symbol of freedom to them but when you take a country like Haiti does me posting the flag on my social media  will change anything??? No it will not. I understand the importance of the flag but I am not in love with it! I will not walk around in a red and blue outfit all day. I will not center my life on being Haitian on may 18th because what am I doing the rest of the year?

No one asked me why I don’t post the flag because I don’t have any social media and I hate being on social media. Even when I was on social media I never made a big deal about it because like I said before I don’t believe in any governments or any political parties, I won’t support any of them because I only believe in God’s kingdom I am neutral in all of these things. My work bestie is Colombian and Chilean and she knew about my flag day, I was even shocked lol! But I did explain to her why I don’t make a big deal about it. I took it from this approach «  Haiti is going through so much right now we’re like the Gaza of the Caribbean, I don’t have to post a flag to show that I am Haitian ! Because even the gang members and the kidnappers are posting the flag! It’s a joke to them! I would rather donate money to haiti or help my family members to get out of there than to sit in my peaceful house posting a flag talking about free haiti lol » social media is fake! People post things for likes and they’re not even happy.  I would rather build my life away from it, although I have an account but I solely go on there to laugh and log off. 

Domestic violence.

I’ve witness domestic violence first hand, I know what it does to the person on the receiving end, and to the kids involved (I will not talk about it because it is not my story to tell) this is about Diddy and Cassie.

By now most people have seen the footage of Diddy beating Cassie on a video CNN news posted on Friday! I was shocked to see it with my own eyes ! Even though I read the whole lawsuit Cassie filled back in November. She detailed that video in the lawsuit but seeing what she described on video was traumatizing ! Which makes me believe her even more I cannot begin to imagine what Cassie went through! She shared a whole lot! She shared how he human trafficked her! Abused her both physically and mentally… I cried when I read that lawsuit last year! I remember seeing her first music video « long way 2 go » and I remember thinking wow she’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. Seeing Diddy preyed on this girl really disgust me! This is one of the reasons why I hate men! I really do! But I went to therapy to heal that part of myself. Men who abused women are disgusting, why is he not in jail??? I know he won’t be prosecuted for that video because of the statute of limitations but the FBI raided his houses a couple months ago isn’t there anything they could find to charge him with!!!??? Gosh this is just sick. 

My mental health.

I never wanted to see myself as someone who’s suffering mentally even though I am. I always try to keep a brave face and to smile while my heart is aching. I don’t want to be a victim or to be seen as one. I want to be seen as a beautiful and strong woman, I am those things but each night I fall apart. 

I have been struggling a lot, some months are better than others but lately I feel like it’s a repeating cycle and it never stops! I am not crying as much as I used to actually I don’t cry at all unless I remember something hurtful. I hold everything in… I get sad to the point where I might not eat or I might not leave my house for days unless I am going to work. I have been through some traumatic events the first one is the passing of my dad, I am still mourning and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he’s no longer here. When I speak about my dad I speak about him in the present tense which might throw some people off but he is still my dad. Seeing people bringing up the death of my father casually makes me angry! I don’t want to talk about it! Do not mention him to me, you don’t know him just say you’re sorry but don’t ask for more. I guess I am still in denial and I don’t want to believe that he’s gone.

The death of my cat. I never thought I would lose any of my cats this soon, I always think that might happened 10 years from  now but losing Selie broke something in me. Holding her lifeless body still haunts my dreams! She was so alive! So playful and soooo beautiful. I miss her daily! People don’t see how much those things impact me because I never let anyone in! No one has ever seen me fall apart! They will see me walk around with my head held high and my eyes may be red but no one knows what’s going on. 

I feel like I don’t exist! I feel like a ghost and at times I struggle to see my purpose in this life. But one of the  things that has helped me is my job! I love my job and I really feel like I am making a difference in this world by working in healthcare. I really love it! I am contributing in saving people’s lives! Helping people and assisting others. I feel needed at work and I think that is one of the main thing that’s making me feel joy! Serving Jehovah makes me happy too but doing it alone is hard! I have the choice to do whatever I want but I chose to follow Jehovah’s teaching; I may struggle and I may stumble but for the most part Jehovah will always be my one and only God. 

I am not in therapy, as I said before this approach doesn’t work for me! I am a people pleaser when I am in therapy. I worry too much about making my therapist proud of me rather than doing the work to actually get better. I don’t let myself get the help! I get better when I hold myself accountable alone while journaling and by doing the work in real life. I don’t need someone telling me it’s not fault! Because I know some things are my fault! It is my fault that I have no friends! It is my fault that I am not dating… and so on … but what am I willing to do about it?? I’ve talked about all of traumas and I am done talking i want to actually get better. I don’t want any more pity party but instead I want a celebration party ! (This is my opinion but some people have found a lot of help with therapy, I did too but I am done with it for now) 

I love my 2 cats and I cherish every moment with them. I think little by little I will get better, I just have to be patient. 

Predator teacher.

In the United States alone 10 %  of the students population will or have experienced educator sexual misconduct by the time they graduate high school and that survey was taken last year ! Which is huge. In 2022 there was about 349 public educators arrested for child related sex crimes. I want you to keep those numbers in mind as we debunk this topic.

When you send your child to school or to day care you have to worry about whether or not someone have acted inappropriate with your child. The world is full of monsters! When you have a kid you have to pay attention! Do not trust complete strangers with your child. The signs are clear when your child is being molested:

• They will start spending a lot of times alone.
• They might stop hanging out with their friends and start having an animal support toy or have imaginary friends as a way to comfort themselves. (I’m crying writing this!)
• They will become more quiet.
• They will be afraid of anyone’s touch or display of affection.
• They might become angry and misbehaved.
• They might become sad.

Children do not process emotions like grown ups do. When they are being abused often times they might think it is their fault and they might not even see it has a form of abuse  but as a grown up that’s where  you come in to protect the child and hold the predator accountable. Sadly we can’t shield our children from all the heartaches in  the world but I would advise any parent to have a close bound with their  child, start early on because in the teenage years they will become moody and anti social. 

My story.

When I was in kindergarten there was a teacher who was sooo close with the kids and I  can never forget this to this day! (Those are my earliest memories from my childhood )He would make the little girls sit on his lap and he would kiss them on the lips. Around that time I was going through some things at home and I knew this was wrong because of what I was already going through. I would tell some of the girls do not sit on his lap or do not let him kiss you! I was a kid protecting other kids! (You know I don’t think I ever acted like a kid, I was always far beyond my years)

One time he tried to kiss me and I told my mom. She was sooooo mad! She spoke with the principal and the teacher was fired. Some of the girls were mad but I remember telling them  some thing like “ don’t worry you are safe now” something like that…. But I knew that was wrong. As a kid I can’t comprehend what would make a man think a child is attractive in a sexual way! They are sick ! I know hell doesn’t exist but if they could burn I would not mind because of the things I went through! And still processing.

As a child you might not understand a lot of things but as you grow older and you start to realize what happened to you, that might make you angry! Depressed! Ashamed even though it was not your fault. Therapy can help, talking to someone you trust will help. Just be gentle with yourself and always try to love yourself a little more each day. 

Billie Eilish album is here !!!!!!