How I build my confidence.

To finally be able to walk in a room and feel just as important as any body else there and to feel beautiful in my body no matter who’s around didn’t happen over night. I had many trials and errors, there were times I hated myself and there were times I was so insecure that I sabotaged a few of my past relationships with people. 

Confidence is art to me; believing in my beauty and in my talents are all the things that I need to feel secure. Knowing that there is no one else like me out there is enough to make me snap out of my insecurities. Throughout my whole life I used to always make myself small so that other people don’t feel outshined  or so that my quirks don’t come out too much! I am funny! My laugh is weird but I love it. Between the year 2020-2022 I was sooo insecure because my skin was sooo bad but last year I started to really feel so confident no one can make me hide it now.  I am not perfect and I will never be! there are times I compared myself to other girls especially if I have a crush on a guy and I see him with someone else I used to compare myself to her and I started to believe I wasn’t pretty enough, not assertive enough or too shy! But now I look at her and I am certain that her and I are nothing alike and I feel bad for him because it sucks for him that he didn’t get the chance to witness this beautiful soul! I am in love with myself now. I don’t compare myself to anyone else anymore I just focus on all of my beautiful qualities and I feel powerful and I trust that whoever let me go wasn’t the one for me.

Here’s what I did 

• I changed my whole closet: buying clothes that fits your body type and make sure to accentuate the things you’re more confident about. Don’t be afraid to be bold! Have fun with your style and practice your walk. Take pictures, have fun with yourself
• Have a skincare routine: I used to have really bad acne, one thing that helped me is to have a routine and to keep it simple! I have very sensitive skin but I research products that would work best for me and I drink a lot of water trust me they are not lying when they say “drink water if you want good skin”
• My hands: I used to always feel insecure about them! One thing my dad gave me besides my pink lips, my cute nose are my hands! I have a skin care routine separate for them. I take care of them because they are very useful to me! I do everything with them! So I love them even more when I realize all the things they do for me! They are sooo cute to me now. I take my time to cherish them. 
• Take care of your body: anything that you’re insecure take time to take care of it, work to see the beauty in them. 
• Cut off people: there are some people that will make you feel bad about yourself. You don’t need those people, cut them off. If someone is yelling at you don’t entertain it, walk off or hang up the phone. Don’t participate in anything that bring out your bad side, always be assertive but never angry or arrogant. Be confident  to know your strength but humble enough to know you don’t always have to flex.
• Fall in love with yourself first: the more you love yourself the less you will accept disrespect or bad treatment from others.

How my day goes.

I am very solitary person when I am not at work. I like being alone even though the idea of being lonely scares me but most of the time I don’t feel lonely when I am by myself ; I am mostly just happy to be alone. 

I am scared to open up to any men because every time I fall in love I become obsessed and soon enough he’s all I can think about. I like to keep my sanity and one way I can do that is by not trying at all. Most people think I am looking for a man because I go on dates and I talk about a few men here and there if not rarely but truly I am not looking to date! Shocking ! I know. For someone who’s not looking to date anyone I sure do flirt a lot! But no. I like to have fun and talking to a guy is fun for me but as soon as I find myself smiling at his text I stop the conversation. Wait this is about my day! Not my journal entry… 

Ok so when I am not at work I cook a lot, I love going on Pinterest and finding recipes. I write in my journal, read books here and there but I am not consistent. I also watch a ton of short documentaries on YouTube because I can’t commit to an hour long movie even if those videos are sometimes longer than an actual movie but knowing that it’s not a movie makes me feel better. I don’t like to commit to anything because I find it limiting… I like being free. Having pets is actually a commitment because I can’t just pack up a bag and leave; I have to think about where I am leaving them. Don’t get me wrong I love my pets, I just hate it when I have to leave them behind because when I go on vacation I miss them a lot! Especially pixie because he always sleeps with me. Archie is very independent but I love him a lot… and Selie’s paws are so soft it’s like leather! If I talk about one cat I have to talk about all of them I’m sorry!

Anyways my dream is to live far away from the city in a house in the woods lol! Weird I know but I just love that idea. Not too far in the woods but close enough that I can see cars driving by. I want an old wood style home but with a very modern interior with a black kitchen and sink (I’ll insert a picture below) uhm I am not sure what this post was supposed to be about anymore ! Oh wait it was suppose to be about my day! Well it’s boring anyways you wouldn’t care. Here’s the picture below :)

My favorite day of the week is Sunday! I am always in a good mood on sundays because that’s my self care day! Here’s what i normally do.

• I go to meeting (church) in the morning and I am so happy because of that because I have the whole day ahead of me to do my routines.
• Wash my hair and deep condition it.
• I do my everything shower!
• Arrange my meals for the week
• Plan out my week in my planner  but now I’ve been doing that on mondays at work…
• Brush my cats because they shed a lot throughout the week so that helps a lot. 
• I cook also if I didn’t cook on Saturday 
• Have some wine ;)
• Then I rot on the couch while watching a football game or a movie 

Then we’re ready for the week!

Being good.

I grew up in a very strict household, I couldn’t go out just for fun. It was either school or meetings (church) nothing else. The sleepovers I had was with a friend at my church and they were so fun! ;) but in my teenage years I was very sheltered. I wasn’t allowed to talk to no boys, if I go out with my friends which was very rare! My mom would need to know all of the peoples phone numbers and their names, if there was a boy there then I am not going!

I used to lie to my mom but not to go hang out with boys; just to hang out with my girls. I was in a basket ball team and my mom used to always check my phone to make sure I wasn’t talking to no boys! Truth is I did talk to boys my age but they annoyed me ! When they would call my phone I would be so confused like “what do you want?” Do you know who my mom is!? She will find you and cut your balls off. My mom didn’t play no games with me, she did not let me hang out with any boys. She would drop me off and pick me up herself after school ! It was so embarrassing. One time she saw me standing next to a boy she was sooo mad ! I told her “ look at him I would never date him” I was sooo mean when I was little lol! 

Which is why in my early twenties I didn’t understand why my friends wanted to hang out with men. When they would say there will be boys there I would be like “for what? Can’t we  go out just us? “I used to hate it when boys would try to dance with me at parties ! I would be so rude about it but after a while I danced with a few guys. I would want to throw up when a man try to touch me! 

I hated men with a passion! I just wanted to hang out with my girls. Gosh I was sooo upset when my friends will start dating a guy; I would automatically drop them because I thought it was a weak move like you would rather date a man than to enjoy life!?

My views on men have changed; I still don’t feel comfortable with all men and I think that’s fair. Unless I have a connection with you, then you will not get near me 10 feet is enough.