Publié depuis Eklablog

Attachment style.

As humans we all have our own attachment style that stems from our upbringing. There are 3 attachment style “ anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, and secure attachment” It is important for you to know which one might be your style, by knowing what attachment style you have you can improve your relationship with yourself and other people. 

As an avoidant attachment person, I know dating a person with an anxious attachment will require a lot of work and I might break their heart without meaning to if I am not careful.

The myths about the avoidant attachment style 

• We are cold and we don’t care about others. That is so wrong! We care a lot, but we may not know how to express that because it’s hard for us to be vulnerable.
• We can’t be vulnerable. We can be vulnerable but only to a certain extinct and around the people that we trust. We didn’t grow up to be emotionless (will explain in another bullet as well) but as a result of our childhood we grew up not being able to be fully open about our needs or feelings because the environment we grew up in as a young child was either not safe or not welcoming enough (with therapy we can finally learn the right way to open up and ask for help when we need it)
• We don't or can’t love anyone. That’s soooo wrong! We love very deeply but we can never express that love in a way that the person can understand it well. We hold a lot in our hearts, we might want to say something, but we just don’t know how to say it. We love just like anyone else but that love scares us so we run away from it because we are afraid of being hurt by being this vulnerable (again we can’t be vulnerable that easily) we are very stoic individuals so therefore people don’t really know when we are hurting or in love!
• We are cold and emotionless: that’s wrong! Because we always avoid conflict or intimacy because we are scared people might think that we are cold! We simply don’t want to face the possibility of being too vulnerable, so we avoid conflicts or anything that will make us get in touch with our feelings because that is so uncomfortable for us! We would rather be busy to distract our minds then to sit still with our feelings, we avoid self-reflecting because we don’t want to feel the pain… we may be alone in the house, but our mind is busy while watching tv or scrolling on social media, so we are never really alone!

Most avoidants don’t purposefully do hurtful things it’s just our natural reactions to how we’ve learned to survive. Avoidants want to be understood but are scared of rejection. They need love and understanding. 

I’m so avoidant, I avoid relationships all together. I don’t care about being vulnerable, it’s more like “why do I need to tell you my issues, it’s not your job to fix me” since I know they're temporary.

An avoidant in love, will work on their issues or at least try therapy to make you feel welcome in their lives. I have done a lot of things to help me express my love better, even though I still struggle with it. Therapy has helped me with that in the past…

It might be hard for an avoidant to spend time with others and fill other people’s cup because they struggle with filling their own cup so how can they fill someone else’s cup? Most of the time when I help someone, I myself also need help and of course I will never ask for us until my back is against the wall and there’s nothing else that I can do. Growing up as a teenager I felt very disconnected with the people around me; a lot of my needs were unmet so therefore I found a way cope with the lack of things that I didn’t have. we need journal and self-reflect even if that it is terrifying.