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2017-05-28T22:44:51+02:00
why can't I feel the pain when It used to hurt me a lot?
Why can't I do the right thing when I know that I am wrong?
Why do I feel like It's impossible when I used to think that everything was possible?
Why did I change?
Why can't I accept that things will get better?
Why can't I believe that I will see you again?
Why does it feel like I'm the problem?
why can't I move on like you did?
why can't I fall out love like you never love...?
why?
I am asking because I'm tired of asking why...
2017-05-25T04:45:06+02:00
A while ago I cut my own hair well I chop the dead ends off. I did not care that my hair looks kind of short because I love short hair and surprisingly it goes with me. Right now I am back to my natural roots and I couldn't be more happier...I love my natural hair. I think I said that before but I still changed it but for now I am going to keep it that way and see how much it will grow. So enough about my hair how are things for y'all? Me everything is pretty much the same although some may disagree with me but I think my life can't be the same because each day I wake up I feel like someone new. Either I am happy, moody or all two.
What I hate is people constantly trying to make you feel bad about something you take pleasure in. Why would you make another human being feel unhappy because they like something? that's so mean. Do you know how hurtful that is to embarrass someone for something they clearly love? you would have to be the most unhappiest person to make someone feel that way...
Right now I am going through some stuff I am realizing things...I mean am I not always realizing stuff LOL I mean I observe absolutely every thing. One part of being a writer is being observant, aware of what's going on in your own terms...the way I see things will not be the same way you see them, For some reason my thought process is just...different I guess but I couldn't care less because that's normal to me
2017-05-23T05:10:28+02:00
I know that everything is not always the way they seem but I can't help to think that one day things will work out just the way I want them to. It is not bad to hope. You need to have a little faith. Things may not be working out for you right now but have a little faith and NEVER EVER GIVE UP. You need to keep going no matter what people are telling you, no matter what your friends are doing or saying. Be your own leader and focus on your goals. Forget the world and the way it works just for once but think about all the good things you want and from there create a plan to accomplish it. Don't sweat it we all make mistakes...It is not too late. You can do it. I feel like someone need to hear this right now because I would tell myself the same thing...I know when things don't work out for me it is a way different story bu really I feel like if I took my own advice ...I would have avoided a lot of troubles...But for some reason I think that I am better not listening to myself and I should. You don't have to listen to me. But somehow I feel like there was something pushing me to write something encouraging just for someone. I care about people I really do despite my hard exterior I care a lot about other people's well being... my career will be based on helping and healing people...I don't have power to heal people but I believe medicine can sometimes. Like I said don't give up on your dreams. Listen to your brain telling you what to do, just stay focus hope that you and I meet at the finish line.
night.
2017-05-22T05:56:20+02:00
Perhaps I should have been honest in the beginning and tell you who I was,
but I didn't know who I was back then.
I didn't know what I was capable of.
I didn't know that today I would be where I am.
I didn't know that today I would be this brave.
That today I would wake up with the exact picture of where I want to be.
I woke up knowing exactly where I want to be....
And I am sorry that It is not by your side.
I am sorry that after everything you did to me I still can't forgive you.
They say family is all you need but right now I don't want you near me.
My mind is not the same because of you.
You have no idea what you did...
you have no Idea of what I went through to find myself back.
To find the girl you try so hard to bury.
The girl you made me feel ashamed of.
Not knowing that one day this girl would become the woman that I am today.
Not knowing that this girl would come to you and tell you that she doesn't need you anymore.
Even though you already know that.
But what you didn't know is that this girl would grow up to be the woman I am today.
2017-05-22T05:29:40+02:00
where do I begin? I have something that I want to talk about but I don't know where to start because it's a very delicate subject and I want to get my point across without getting too personal because I want to keep things light. Well it is no surprise that I am single because I said this here already and I even went in details why I was. Not because I am not able to find someone but because I don't want anyone to find me. I don't want to be found. Not now. No one is ready in their early 20's it's all about fun and games...we could do that only if I wasn't who I am but I am who I am and that person does not involved fun and ridiculous mind games. When I'm in I give it my all and right now I cannot afford to give my all like that. I don't want to hurt any guy's feeling but I am just not ready right now.
I need time to figure myself out. Not a lot of girls chose to be single to figure their lives out but maybe I am just different and I embrace it. Some girls would rather be with someone just because they want that comfort of having someone right there to lean on to. But I don't want any guy for that. I know some girls would rather a open relationship just because they want to assure themselves that if the guy cheat or was with someone else they would be ready for it. Trust me no one wants to be someone second choice and to chose to be in a open relationship it's like choosing to be anything in that person's life but his one and only. A open relationship might be the ideal relationship in someone's mind right now and I have thought about it for a while too and I started to think...If I am in a relationship with you why do you need to see other people? why do you need to have someone else when you already have me? Am I not enough? I am not going to sacrifice that...I would much rather be alone than to be with someone that does not make me happy because I would rather have that person for myself. I would not like to share and I am allow to feel this way. which is why I need to be alone right now.
I know what I am losing by being alone I know that at times it's hard and I just want to give in and let someone in. But I am saying this to any girl who like me is not ready you might not know but look at your love life if every relationship you had didn't work out not because of the person you were with but because of you. For some reason you fall out love, couldn't stand the person anymore, realize you made a mistake as soon as you said you want to be with the person...maybe you need to be alone to figure what you really want instead of wasting someone else's time and love. Just because you're single does not mean that you are undesirable it's the opposite you look like a catch, like a package deal and a lot of guys might come after you but know that You are not ready.Know that no matter what someone who truly loves you will wait for you. They won't force you to do anything. Know that a guy that really loves you won't try to hurt you or make you cry. Know that a guy that really wants you won't make you guess his intention he will let you know from the very beginning and he won't be scared to show you off. Reason why I stay single is no secret and I am happy that I made that decision even though for some reason it cost me a lot...I am happy that I haven't lost anything. I am happy that I still have something to look forward to. I am happy that a guy have not broke my heart. I am happy that I think with my head and not with heart. I had to force myself to make myself see whoever I had my eyes on wasn't the one once I put everything together and once I put all the pieces together I see that I am better alone. I see that I am more powerful alone...
2017-05-21T05:06:21+02:00
Like fire and Ice,
I am winter and summer.
I am warm like I am cold.
I am mad like I am calm.
I am nice like I am rude.
I love like I hate.
I stay quiet just like I talk a lot around my friends.
I am observant just like I am not aware of who is next to me.
I am outgoing like I am anti social.
I love hard but I move on quickly.
I love helping others just like I am so quick to close the door and leave you out in the cold.
I like making friends just like I hate going out.
I trust people just like I doubt everyone because of one mistake.
I think a lot just as much I drink.
I eat just like I sleep.
I hate saying good bye just like I love saying hello.
I read a lot as much as I write.
I love working as much as I like sleeping.
2017-05-21T04:59:25+02:00
I am tired of watching you setting yourself on fire,
I hope that one day you would understand that you had so much before you burn it all.
I try so much to save you but I can only do so much,
The rest is in your hands.
I'm done for real this time.
I was there by your side even when I didn't want to.
I stayed because I thought one day you would see reason...And that you would turn back around.
But I was wrong. After all this time you are still the same.
Nothing has changed.
You still live the same way and you still do the same thing you say you were avoiding.
I chose to let you set yourself on fire on your own,
even though It hurts me to watch you do it.
I am walking away because I cannot stand to see you do this to yourself.
I only you knew how great you are,
If only you knew how wonderful.
How amazing you are to other people...
If only you took time to think before you did certain things.
If only you told me maybe I would've helped you.
Now I don't know how I can help anymore because I've done so much.
I can't make you trust me.
I can't make you see reason.
I can't make you stop.
You have to do it on your own and I'm afraid I can't help anymore.
I want to help but It's not fair to me.
I am not able to live right when I know what I know and I still let you do it.
So I am leaving...
2017-05-15T19:09:46+02:00
You are not your thoughts,
you are not the demons inside your head.
Your are not the only one to blame.
You are not just a person,
you are a soul filled with feelings, potential and so much more.
You are not always going to be happy.
And that's okay.
There are good days and bad days.
It doesn't have to be so hard.
But it is.
Because you can't see how you're going to come out of this dark hole.
You will be fine.
But you don't know that.
2017-05-15T19:03:53+02:00
I got this feeling, No matter how hard I try it's still there.
I wake up every morning hoping that one day it will go away.
Hoping that just maybe today will be different and that I will no longer feel this way.
I think again when I leave the house because I realize once again that nothing have changed.
It's all the same. They are all the same.
But I'm not.
Each day I struggle to find my normal even though I know that It is boring.
But I can't help wanting and saying sorry so much for just being me.
They don't understand this feeling.
All they see is a character that I've created myself,
I don't know who she is.
The other girl that I'm left with late at night is the one I know because that's who I am.
I desperately try to change that girl not knowing that she is everything...
She's the one who holds my talent, my worth, my intelligence.
But I can't see that because of the feelings that came with her.
It's not that I don't want her.
I love her but why does she had to be this way.
I try to change her many times.
And it's just not fair to her because she tries so hard to smile when everything is falling apart.
Why are you so sad ? they ask her
I don't know she says...
She don't know why she wakes up every morning and feeling empty as if she had nothing to hold on to.
She don't know why she lies awake at night and not being able to sleep.
She don't know why she cries so much at night.
But all she knows is that In the morning everything has to go back to normal,
even if she's not.
Even though she feels like she is missing something she tries to feel complete with the little that she has.
It's not simple to just feel complete when all your life you've been wondering about everything.
It's not easy to just feel better when you can't see the way to happiness...
2017-05-15T03:50:36+02:00
okay some people really can take you for a fool ! like how we didn't speak for a while and suddenly you call you or text and expect you to act like nothing happened between y'all. It's not about holding a grudge but are we going to at least address it? One thing I hate Is when people take my or anyone else kindness for granted as If I am always going to be nice and kind to you. I mean you might be a nice person but because someone did you wrong you don't have to smile and put up with. Hell to the no you are suppose to stand up for yourself either you talk it out with the person or you move on. You don't need to always stay by their side. You can always do what's best for you. Reason why I am mostly nice and kind is because I believe if we were all like that maybe the world would be a much better place. Perhaps I am not as nice as I seem but fake it till you make it right? I mean aren't you scared of what you might be able to do that you don't know about... Well that's rather a long question but anyways...What I mean is sometimes you avoid some situation simply because you are afraid of how you will react. It's good to control your temper there's nothing attractive about someone that always start a fight or always started unnecessary argument no one really care about. Just learn to control yourself bragging about it doesn't make you more of a person. There is nothing funny about someone who can't control themselves you walking around like you need therapy or something ain't nothing attractive about it. And to think fighting is your greatest accomplishment why don't you sit down and be humble why don't you take some notes? You don't have to know everything. I am not judging anyone but some people need to hear it sometimes. I may not speak out loud for you to hear me depends on where I am because being a lady matter to me most than winning a pointless argument where I know I'll risk raising my voice and sounding like a mad woman but...You should know better. A woman can only take so much. Just because she liked or even loved you doesn't mean that she will always do so. She has feelings and If she's me she has too much pride to settle less than what she deserves...Like myself personally I can only take so much one thing change my mind, I don't need much to see reason. I don't need much to move on. Just one sign, one time and I am done. I will still be there Nope I am not going away because I'm strong like that, I'll stay and watch you and I might even answer you but just know that I am not really there. I already made my mind. And I've been done.
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