Publié depuis Eklablog

Emotional blunting.

It is a term that psychologist use to describe someone who’s feeling numb from both positive and negative emotions; which is currently what I am experiencing. You all know I love psychology and if you didn’t know well now you know lol and I do read  a lot of books about human behaviors as well. I love researching my emotions to understand them better and to find out more about how the human brain works.

Well let’s get into it….

I just went through something traumatic, and I am at point of my life where I don’t know what to do or how to cope! When I learned the terrible news, I froze, and my mouth stayed open from the shock for at least two minutes. I lost my senses to the point that when I finally close my mouth it was just dry! I called my cousin who I love very much, and he told me what to do… I was like wait what should I do? I even forgot how to drive! But thank God I manage to get to the hospital in one piece. I didn’t cry! The old me would’ve been on the floor and crying constinuously but because I am experiencing this, I feel NOTHING! No joy, no sadness or anger. Which leads me to believe that I am not grieving the right way and when this thing wears off I may hit rock bottom  because at first all I felt was regret because I didn’t see my dad and I didn’t even get to say goodbye; I felt guilty and ashamed at fist to the point where I hid what happened because I didn’t want any attention or anyone hugging me (but I needed all of that because I was in denial and I was lost) I also felt a huge piece of my heart was missing. I wasn’t hurt but all of that pain came out another way ; I can’t eat, I don’t feel like doing any chores like cooking or cleaning but I try, I am confused, I don’t know what I want, I am scared, I am trying to compensate in other areas of my life, I am insecure, I am a little sad at times and I don’t know why, I may laugh! I may even joke around but all of that is fake, I may smile, I may act like I didn’t even lose someone because I am still in denial, one time I picked up the phone trying to call my dad and when I was about to dial the number that’s when I remember and I just sat there in silence! I may be promiscuous because I am insecure which is why I should surround myself with men who respect me. In details I am not being myself currently… but one thing that hurts me recently I try turning to a friend because I was hungry and maybe my approach was wrong but he made me feel like shit (excuse my language but there’s no other way that I can describe it) he told me the world doesn’t revolve around me and that we all have problems ! Dude you think I don’t know that? I am the most selfless person I know when my life is torn apart no one knows ! I never want to make anyone worry about me I always want to carry the burden myself but I don’t think I can  carry this one alone. A true friend is there especially in the worse moments of your life, and that experience open my eyes. 

I still don’t know how to deal or cope but I am trying my best and that’s all I can do. All I have at the moment are all the memories I will carry in my heart forever. It is still fresh because I still have to get through the funeral.