reflecting back

In 2021-2022 I was extremely depressed, I would cry daily and I felt so alone. I genuinely did not want to live, every day was a struggle. I didn't have any great friend I could turn to all the time, I had a few people I could talk to here and there but I didn't feel that they cared enough to hear me talk about my depressive episodes daily. I would hide how I felt and pretended that I was okay. But deep down I was far from okay. During that time, I wanted to lose weight because I felt soooo overweight. My weight also made me even more depressed, people would say no you look good but I wouldn't feel it. 

During that time I used to visualize myself working out in the gym and running on a treadmill. I would see myself being happy at the gym but I didn't feel ready to go work out yet. I was extremely shy and insecure, I didn't see myself working out in front of people. I didn't even know what to do or where to start! but daily I would close my eyes and visualize myself at the gym. I never thought I would be where I am now! looking amazing and feeling great. Yes I get sad here and there but compare back to those years I am happier. I also cannot cry daily anymore maybe it's the anti depressant I am on that represses any sad emotions. I am not ashamed to admit that I am on a serotonin inhibitor or anti depressant because if I didn't seek help I genuinely believe that I would've off myself a long time ago. I even wrote a goodbye letter! gosh I feel like crying just thinking about it (I would listen to the song by Billie Eilish Listen before I go and I would think about off'ing myself) 

Yes I did a complete 180 and turned my life around. I started working out in 2024 last year and my body has changed tremendously! I feel amazing and I am obsessed with building muscles and eating protein. I am not in love with any men because anytime I have a crush on a guy I get sad because I realize I am falling for someone again and I hate the person that I become when I like a guy. I am healing that part of myself especially the abandonment issue part... I appreciate men but I still don't trust or believe anything they tell me. If I wasn't a christian I would date girls.