Someone was asking the right question instead of judging me or making me feel bad, that person asked : why do you hate parties so much? See how the person didn’t say : “how come I never see you at parties? You’re so antisocial” but in a very demure way the person asked “why do I hate parties?” It’s an open ended question that requires me to go in depth if I want to.
I responded “ I don’t hate parties but I have a reason why I don’t like going anymore” that’s the truth I used to love having a great time at parties, I used to be front and center on the dance floor with my best friend a few years ago. But something happened to me internally and now I don’t want to go anymore. Let me explain: in 2018 precisely December 23, 2018 ahead of my birthday I went out to party of course and I was talking to my beloved cousin (who created this blog for me) all day, I told him what my plans were but he didn’t tell me his which was fine because I didn’t think he was also going out. We were very closed, he was like a brother to me, we grew up together and we learned a lot from each other. He taught me a lot of things, we made mistakes and we cried about it together. He was a lovely soul anyway let me not get ahead of myself here. My mom called me later that night while I was about to leave to go the party I was around 11pm and she told me my cousin is missing, he’s been out for a while now and they cannot reach him she asked me did I talk to him? And I said no not since this morning. She was like okay don’t worry but I was already worried I felt my heart breaking because what do you mean don’t worry it’s Dimitri we’re talking about that’s my brother ! She knows how much I love him. She asked me to just go out with my friends and to not stay out late and to call her when I got back home. Anyway I really try to proceed with my night like nothing happened but my heart was breaking on the way to the party. I sat in the back of the car and I was crying ! No one asked if I was okay! I was quiet the whole time and sobbing! I got the party and pretend I was fine. I just stood there the whole time, you could tell I wasn’t happy. I was very sad, very annoyed to be here it was too late for me to tell my friends let’s go back home because I’m not feeling like partying because I was far away from home and my friends were happy to go. When it was finally the time to go home, I cried again in the back of the car (no one asked if I was okay again I have a reason for mentioning that)
I got home cried even more. Then the next day my mom called me and told me my brother is gone. I sat on the bathroom floor and cried ! After that I cried non stop for days and months to follow. I had to go to therapy again because I couldn’t cope. I deleted all my social media “Facebook, instagram everything that reminded me of him because he created my Facebook when I was 11 I think…” I couldn’t cope it took me a while to finally accept he’s gone. His death changed me! Immediately after that I stopped going to parties and instead I wanted to get closer to Jehovah. Every time I think about a party I remember him and how I was sobbing in the back of that car, that’s why I hate it so much. In therapy I tried strategies to make partying fun but it never felt right. I am an empath which means I feel things deeply, this is why I never jump in a romantic relationship because I’m scared ! I feel too much! If someone broke my heart I would have to work so hard to get my life back and I’m scared ! And a way I am protecting myself but I am also not living to my full potential yes I am aware of that.
If the right person comes along I would be willing to try but he would have to be worth it. He would have to appreciate my efforts as well because it’s big easy being me. I have a lot of past traumas that stem from my past and from my closest relatives who passed away… it’s a process but Jehovah is helping me. To this day I still can’t talk about my dad, I’m not ready.
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