truth.

I feel like some people think that I am mopping around sad and avoiding all social interactions; that is not what's happening.  I still get up and go to work everyday, I still keep things in place no matter how bad I feel. Nothing change maybe just my mood but it's not easy to see the difference because I always look neutral on the outside but if you look closely you will probably see that something is not quite right. I am not avoiding all social interaction because I am afraid, I just rather not go to any social interaction if it's an excuse to avoid my problems; I want to socialize because I want to and if I don't want to I won't. I find that when I do things when I want to instead of when someone is pushing me I have way more fun. So now, I want everyone to know that I am not all sad and crying all the time for no reason because the most important thing is that I am growing and self reflecting; some of the things that I am realizing hurts a whole lot. I am also enjoying my own company so no I don't need to escape my home because I'm sad I can just pick up a book or watch a documentary... I love spending time alone because that's the only way I can learn to be the best version of myself. When I run out of the house every time I am sad or going through an episode I am not getting any better because I will have them again and I will be sad again; I need to sit through the pain and learn from it so that next time it happens again I know that my fear is irrational and I can also learn some coping mechanisms as well that will benefit my mental health. To have a balanced mental health it's not avoiding all emotions and forcing yourself to socialize because nothing change when you avoid your emotions, it takes a brave human being to sit through a tough time alone and fight not because that person doesn't accept help but no I am not saying that you should be alone when You're sad and you cannot handle it no that is not what I am saying please don't isolate yourself because 2 is better than 1 go find help because I call people when it's too much, I find distractions when my fears are crippling me. What I am saying is when I am having an episode or a panic attack I pick up my journal and write about how I feel instead of running to find help all the time because I need to learn how to control them in case where I can't find help; it's better to know how to learn to control your emotions alone than having someone helping you every time because you learn nothing!. Take time to learn and self reflect, cry if you need to because that's one way to express yourself. Also seek medical help from health professionals because you might need to take medications and there is no shame in that, I used to think that it was too serious to be put on medication for a mental problem and I would have to be psychotic to try but that was me not having an open mind; there are literally medications out there that can cure your depression and your anxiety or whatever mental health you might have and those medication can be so effective that you might never struggle that way again mentally.

So back to what people think I am going through right now which let me tell you is nothing to what I am projecting! I love life even when it's hard and I ask myself why am I here? but that's my way of self reflecting and maybe soon enough I'll find out just why I am here but for now I am holding on. To me life is a gift from God and I will never do anything to take away that gift because it's precious. Next time when someone ask me how I am doing I am not going to say that I am doing "ok" because saying that I am "fine " is a lie but I am also not doing bad; so I am going to say "I am in progress" if they don't understand that's their problem lol because that is literally what's happening. I feel like my life is a file ( because lowkey you can't spell file without life!) so yeah that file is being downloaded into a new computer but to be honest I have no ide what that file contains and I am just waiting until I can click to see what's inside of it but at the same time I am not doing anything to stop the downloading process; wow that is a weird way of describing life but it's me so you cannot get anything more irrational!