Publié depuis Eklablog

Mourning.

Losing my father changed my whole life and the way he left me is something that will always haunt me. To anyone surprise I didn’t cry or had any mental health episode that anyone could see… what I am going through is much worse!

I am not the same as I was last year and I wish I could change so many things but I can’t. All I can do is be gentle with myself and take it day by day. I have no sense of reality, I am not sure what is real anymore. I always feel like everyone is going to leave me so I push everyone away. I am sad and I can feel my heart breaking but I can’t cry as much as I want to and when I cry it’s hard to stop but then when I stop I can’t do it again. I feel soooo alone, so lost and so broken. Nothing feels the same, my job is probably the only thing that makes me happy because I get along with everyone there and they are so sweet to me! I love my coworkers. 

My view on reality is not the same! At times I can’t remember what really happened especially if I was hurt my mind will simply block it out. I have been engaging in a lot of reckless behaviors! My mind is racing 1000 miles per hour as if I have ADHD but I don’t have that ! I can’t think straight! I am crashing! I am happy but then I am sad! I want to be there but then I want to disappear. 

One thing I can do for myself is to use a journal to write down every disturbing thoughts I have and to sort through them to understand what’s going on.

Thank you to everyone who have been checking on me, I truly appreciate it.