avoidant

Sadly, the older I get the more avoidant I become. I've always been an avoidant because I never felt in an environment where I could be completely vulnerable. I always felt the need to hold myself back and not let myself be emotional because as a child and teenager my feelings were often dismissed hence why I am an avoidant. I hate it, I want to be vulnerable and to let myself express all of my emotions out in the open without feeling weird or as if I am being too much. Dating and friendships have always been hard, I want to be loved and to have a companion yet I always run away. Not because I don't think I deserve it but because I simply won't let myself have it. In someway maybe I don't think I deserve all these beautiful connection or maybe I am scared. My therapist couldn't figure it out but he wasn't good which is why I stopped going, I am such an avoidant that I didn't even let myself be vulnerable in my sessions so everything was just fine. Then why was I paying to see a shrink then? if everything was fine clearly I would be out with my friends, oh wait I don't have any!

in my early 20's I was fearful avoidant which is a complete contrast to the monster I am now. In the past I openly stated that I wanted love (but my feelings were dismissed because the people I was expressing that too didn't love me the same way or even at all) I was hot and cold (I would actually call and I would make plans with my crush or the person that I like and I would express that I craved some form of intimacy wether it was a hug or hand holding) but yes I would pull away when I felt like I was getting too close or if I felt my feelings weren't being reciprocated. I would become anxious, send long paragraphs, call and even show up because I wanted to see them but then suddenly I would pull away. But I was showing interest openly at some point.

Now: oh boy where do I start? well my goal is to buy a house and adopt a child because I don't think I will find the right guy or anyone who would put up with me. Now I have a dismissive avoidant type of attachment (which is the worse) I act like I don't need anyone (false deep down I know I need someone who would understand me or at least tries to) I suppress all of emotions and I keep everyone at a distance (I suppress things so much I can't even tell what emotions I am feeling half the time before I would know that I am sad because I would cry but now thanks to my antidepressant I can't cry!) I am independent (I try to do everything alone even when I am drowning I won't ask for help) connection feels like a threat to my freedom. The relationships I create are surface level, there's no commitment and I am fine with it, I don't allow anyone to get too close to me, I downplay my need for emotional intimacy and love and worse of all I take pride in being self reliant and independent. Some people think being an avoidant means that you don't get hurt and that I am the one hurting people well in order for me to hurt people I would have to communicate or have some for form of relationship with someone and I don't even have that! I could be living under a rock! I am not someone anyone should strive to become. I am an hermit! I am always home reading, in the gym or working... I don't have friends. I have no one I could call at 2am just to be on the phone with me... I am utterly alone in this world besides Jehovah and my mom... I don't know if I can let myself trust anyone. That's not okay. 

By this time next year I will try to have at least one good friend at my hall or who's serving Jehovah.