update

Hey there,

I am sure some of you were wondering where I have been?, well I have been feeling disconnected and I have also been reading a lot to escape my reality. Last Sunday I read 2 books in one sitting. This week end I am not sure what to do with myself, I can't focus on anything but I am trying to find something I like. I wish I connected with someone, besides my mother I have no one. I was afraid that I was entering a depressive episode but I am just realizing some things and some of those things make me sad.

Yesterday someone tried to set me up with a guy but she asked me first if I agreed and I said yes because well I am single. Then she brought the guy to me and immediately I wanted to run away! he wasn't necessarily my type but he wasn't ugly. If anything he is handsome but I didn't feel that pull I normally feel when I get attracted to someone. I always look for something weirdly endearing about the person and sometimes I don't look it jumps at me. For example the way they tilt their head while they're thinking, the way they stand, the way they hold something, their smile or big ears ... something that's cartoonish but cute. when I looked at him all I saw was a man, and I didn't  even give him the chance to ask for my number because I wasn't going to give it.  I just said"nice to meet you" and walked away. Yes I am too picky for a girl who has never dated anyone, maybe I'll die alone but I know what I want is out there somewhere and I'd rather be alone than to settle for less. Finding a man is not first on my list, if anything it's at the very bottom of my list. Men were never something I focused on, yes I had crushes but I didn't want to be with any of them. It's almost as if I picked the guy I knew wouldn't  like me back because deep down I didn't want a relationship. I didn't want to open myself up to someone, to be vulnerable, to let someone see me, to fall in love or to make space for someone. Even now I am not sure where I would fit a man in between my naps, my long hours of reading, my early mornings workout and afternoon workouts, my 8-9 hours job and my early bedtime! when will I have time to talk to him?

One thing I always say is I know I love a man when I make time for him and when I let him into my life by letting him see every crevice of me and him becoming part of my routine. I am a very private person, I don't even like people knowing my name... It's hard to say why I shut down so easily but I do. I am always ready to say goodbye but if the foundation is solid then maybe I might try to stay lol.  Love is not a joke to me, love to me is considering the person in every room they are not in. I am too old school but I know the man I am meant for will be patient with me and he'll be lucky. If I was a man I would date me in heartbeat but first I would have to break down my barriers.