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My mental health.
I never wanted to see myself as someone who’s suffering mentally even though I am. I always try to keep a brave face and to smile while my heart is aching. I don’t want to be a victim or to be seen as one. I want to be seen as a beautiful and strong woman, I am those things but each night I fall apart.
I have been struggling a lot, some months are better than others but lately I feel like it’s a repeating cycle and it never stops! I am not crying as much as I used to actually, I don’t cry at all unless I remember something hurtful. I hold everything in… I get sad to the point where I might not eat, or I might not leave my house for days unless I am going to work. I have been through some traumatic events the first one is the passing of my dad, I am still mourning, and I still cannot wrap my head around the fact that he’s no longer here. When I speak about my dad, I speak about him in the present tense which might throw some people off, but he is still my dad. Seeing people bringing up the death of my father casually makes me angry! I don’t want to talk about it! Do not mention him to me, you don’t know him just say you’re sorry but don’t ask for more. I guess I am still in denial, and I don’t want to believe that he’s gone.
The death of my cat. I never thought I would lose any of my cats this soon, I always think that might happened 10 years from now but losing Selie broke something in me. Holding her lifeless body still haunts my dreams! She was so alive! So playful and soooo beautiful. I miss her daily! People don’t see how much those things impact me because I never let anyone in! No one has ever seen me fall apart! They will see me walk around with my head held high and my eyes may be red, but no one knows what’s going on.
I feel like I don’t exist! I feel like a ghost and at times I struggle to see my purpose in this life. But one of the things that has helped me is my job! I love my job and I really feel like I am making a difference in this world by working in healthcare. I really love it! I am contributing to saving people’s lives! Helping people and assisting others. I feel needed at work, and I think that is one of the main things that’s making me feel joy! Serving Jehovah makes me happy too but doing it alone is hard! I have the choice to do whatever I want but I chose to follow Jehovah’s teaching; I may struggle, and I may stumble but for the most part Jehovah will always be my one and only God.
I am not in therapy, as I said before this approach doesn’t work for me! I am a people pleaser when I am in therapy. I worry too much about making my therapist proud of me rather than doing the work to actually get better. I don’t let myself get the help! I get better when I hold myself accountable alone while journaling and by doing the work in real life. I don’t need someone telling me it’s not my fault! Because I know some things are my fault! It is my fault that I have no friends! It is my fault that I am not dating… and so on … but what am I willing to do about it?? I’ve talked about all of traumas, and I am done talking i want to actually get better. I don’t want any more pity party but instead I want a celebration party! (This is my opinion, but some people have found a lot of help with therapy, I did too but I am done with it for now)
I love my 2 cats and I cherish every moment with them. I think little by little I will get better; I just have to be patient.