tired.

Some say I'm lucky, I'm beautiful and I've got it all; but do I? all of these compliments go straight in one ear and out the other. Being perfect will never give me the life I truly want, if anything it makes it difficult for anyone to want to be around me afraid they will mess up my "oh so perfect life". Nothing is perfect, I am exhausted and I feel so alone. I cry myself to sleep, I forget to eat, It takes a while before I can gather enough strength to get out of bed or to even clean my house. I don't have it all and it breaks my heart when someone says I look so put together or so strong, I almost want to cry! don't tell me that, I am one second away from an emotional breakdown.

I look strong but truly I just want to be held, cared for, loved, and appreciated...I just feel so lost in translation. who will understand? who will want to put up with me? who will see the real me underneath all this glitz and glamor?. When I lie awake at night I think about the one I really want but what is there to do if he doesn't know? I cry knowing that I could never tell him and I should be moving on. why must I go through this? will I always be broken? will I even get to be happy? I don't want to waste anyone's time why bother talking to some guy when my heart belongs to someone who doesn't even want it? 

why must I make a fool of myself, will I ever know what my purpose is? I feel like I am wasting my breath telling people stories that I'll never make come true. Acting like I have friends when it's just me and my cats... there's no one. I want to scream, I care so much for people who don't even bother try to understand me but will they ever get to understand me? 

there's no such thing as being too pretty to be depressed; depression doesn't care about your money or your beauty it's a disease and it attacks whoever it wants to but will you fight it? people tell me to smile and that it'll get better or that how come I am never in a relationship? why am I so picky? they talk like I can walk down the street and just pick a guy. how do I move on? why am I so sad? why do they think I've got it all figured out but everything is so dark. 

It's okay to cry and to say that everything sucks...I rather write about all the demons in my head than actually do what they're telling me. I am strong, I am enough, I am lovable, I will find love... most importantly I deserve to be here.