rambling.

Honestly I am just going to talk on and on or rather I will just write everything I am thinking right now. That was a warning so if you want to now or be surprised keep on reading.

Today I woke up thinking gee I would love to just be happy like to have a good normal day where I smile a lot, where my anxiety is not high at all. To have a day where I can just wake up and feel great about myself and the body that I am in, we all say "love yourself" but it's so hard to love who you are sometimes and at times there is absolutely no apparent reason to why you can't love everything about yourself. I can say what I am going to say knowing 100 % that I am right that absolutely no one loves everything about themselves, we all hate something about ourselves that maybe we don't talk about but we are totally self conscious about or not really know about it yet  but soon enough we will realize that we hate this about ourselves and that's completely fine because we are not perfect. I am always being hard on myself for no reason and failure to me is suicidal, but I cannot avoid failing at something because truth is I will fail and I will probably fail again. I am literally new at this thing called adulting and the beginning is quite scary and the deeper I get in the harder I am on myself which is why I don't have social media; I will probably not go back to Instagram or Facebook anytime soon well that's a wrap imagine me joining Facebook now! like hello that's so 2009 like grow up or something.

Lately I have been feeling so self conscious about my body, my face and all the stuff that I am eating; I would feel so bad when I don't eat properly for a week like I am not taking care of myself enough and that makes me feel so bad because I love when I have a good healthy meal but sometimes my mental state would sabotage my eating habits (side note I am thinking about starting a Spotify podcast to talk about all of this lol would you listen? it would be totally underground because I don't have a social media to promote so it will be me and maybe 2 or 3 other people listening but that will make me feel better) I've been journaling a lot lately or just enough to help with my mental health because witting my thoughts down really help me see the real problem when I am really confused. 

Like with my acne situation which is quite sudden because there was nothing at the beginning of last year that indicated that my face will break out and I really thought it was an allergic reaction but turns out it's related to my hormones like what is happening? why everything is falling apart? like my face would look ok one moment and just gets worse the next day like why? I would cry, unable to look in the mirror feelin unattractive to the point where I would decline all invitations because why showing up when my face looks that bad. But I took some time nit-picking the problem after my 100th mental breakdown of the month regarding my face, I realize that people will love you no matter what you look like if the love is genuine; love is never based on looks yes sometimes but how can you explain someone loving someone who doesn't fit the social norm of what is attractive. Honestly I never loved anyone because they looked good, that came second...they could look at their worse and I would still love them because that is what love is about.