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" I want to stop the incessant tapping of my feet,
my drifted thoughts that linger far from the shell of my former self..."
2021-09-24T21:08:27+02:00
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2021-09-23T15:21:31+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
"I'd rather shut off my humanity than to care, because I will feel more pain with the realization that I might actually love you."
2021-09-21T17:39:34+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
"True love is not real unless it is returned."
2021-09-21T15:26:18+02:00
truth.
I feel like some people think that I am mopping around sad and avoiding all social interactions; that is not what's happening. I still get up and go to work everyday, I still keep things in place no matter how bad I feel. Nothing change maybe just my mood but it's not easy to see the difference because I always look neutral on the outside but if you look closely you will probably see that something is not quite right. I am not avoiding all social interaction because I am afraid, I just rather not go to any social interaction if it's an excuse to avoid my problems; I want to socialize because I want to and if I don't want to I won't. I find that when I do things when I want to instead of when someone is pushing me I have way more fun. So now, I want everyone to know that I am not all sad and crying all the time for no reason because the most important thing is that I am growing and self reflecting; some of the things that I am realizing hurts a whole lot. I am also enjoying my own company so no I don't need to escape my home because I'm sad I can just pick up a book or watch a documentary... I love spending time alone because that's the only way I can learn to be the best version of myself. When I run out of the house every time I am sad or going through an episode I am not getting any better because I will have them again and I will be sad again; I need to sit through the pain and learn from it so that next time it happens again I know that my fear is irrational and I can also learn some coping mechanisms as well that will benefit my mental health. To have a balanced mental health it's not avoiding all emotions and forcing yourself to socialize because nothing change when you avoid your emotions, it takes a brave human being to sit through a tough time alone and fight not because that person doesn't accept help but no I am not saying that you should be alone when You're sad and you cannot handle it no that is not what I am saying please don't isolate yourself because 2 is better than 1 go find help because I call people when it's too much, I find distractions when my fears are crippling me. What I am saying is when I am having an episode or a panic attack I pick up my journal and write about how I feel instead of running to find help all the time because I need to learn how to control them in case where I can't find help; it's better to know how to learn to control your emotions alone than having someone helping you every time because you learn nothing!. Take time to learn and self reflect, cry if you need to because that's one way to express yourself. Also seek medical help from health professionals because you might need to take medications and there is no shame in that, I used to think that it was too serious to be put on medication for a mental problem and I would have to be psychotic to try but that was me not having an open mind; there are literally medications out there that can cure your depression and your anxiety or whatever mental health you might have and those medication can be so effective that you might never struggle that way again mentally.
So back to what people think I am going through right now which let me tell you is nothing to what I am projecting! I love life even when it's hard and I ask myself why am I here? but that's my way of self reflecting and maybe soon enough I'll find out just why I am here but for now I am holding on. To me life is a gift from God and I will never do anything to take away that gift because it's precious. Next time when someone ask me how I am doing I am not going to say that I am doing "ok" because saying that I am "fine " is a lie but I am also not doing bad; so I am going to say "I am in progress" if they don't understand that's their problem lol because that is literally what's happening. I feel like my life is a file ( because lowkey you can't spell file without life!) so yeah that file is being downloaded into a new computer but to be honest I have no ide what that file contains and I am just waiting until I can click to see what's inside of it but at the same time I am not doing anything to stop the downloading process; wow that is a weird way of describing life but it's me so you cannot get anything more irrational!
2021-09-20T03:15:51+02:00
alone time.
Every time I advised someone to take some alone time is only if they are going through a rough patch in life such as a bad breakup, trying to find themselves, dealing with low self-esteem and the reason why I recommend it is because during that time they can use it to self reflect or to get to the bottom of the problem. To be honest, being alone and connecting the dots during those times can be hard because you want to be happy and you want to be the best version of yourself but you cannot be those things if you don't know what they are. You need to use that time wisely, if you spend it complaining or watching TV or listening to a lot of outside voices it's not going to be any good, you have to try to avoid all outside noises. In those moments you might talk to yourself and those monologues are beneficial.
No one has ever gotten strong and powerful around a lot of people or by avoiding problems, they got there after getting to know themselves behind closed doors and making corrections where it's needed. My advice to both me and someone who's going through a tough time is to take that time to read, journal, take walks, spend time alone, and self-reflect because trust me you need to be faced head-on with the problem in other to move on and accept the reality. I am still learning myself but I find journaling to be a great source to discover who I am and to finally take complete responsibility for my mistakes. For example, if you find that you can't get over someone even after a year or 6 months it's probably because you've been avoiding your feelings and the more time you spend avoiding them the further away you are from moving on. Life has a lot of great things to offer but when we are going through a rough patch it's hard to even see it or to begin believing it but with time let's hope we can see what's real and what's not.
2021-09-19T02:59:06+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
" Forget loving someone who doesn't love you back, the real pain is loving someone who you know loves you but you cannot be with them."
2021-09-19T02:02:53+02:00
old times.
" I am intentional, I never do anything without a cause. You were not a mistake even if things didn't work out but I don't regret meeting you. I didn't open up to you because I wanted something from you, you made me feel safe and you made me feel more alive than I ever felt in my entire life."
2021-09-19T01:56:24+02:00
you.
" you were amazing,
you made Friday nights magical and Saturday nights eternal.
You made Sundays more fun even if Mondays were right around the corner.
You made me change my wicked ways and turned me into an angel.
I would smile for you,
I would laugh even if the joke wasn't that funny.
But then the sun came and the dream disappeared.
You're gone but your absence doesn't cripple me anymore."
2021-09-17T15:38:01+02:00
Having a pet
Today I am going to tell you the benefit factors of having a pet; let me just say that I am a cat person but I also love dogs but I own a 9 months old kitten so that's the only experience I have so far. Nevertheless let's talk...
Owning a pet is very fun but at first it can be a lot of work, when you own a dog you have to deal with how your pet is adjusting to your home because if you leave a dog alone for too long that dog can literally destroy your home especially your couch; if it's a big dog then it's wrap your neighbors will complain about all the noise and the mess but small dogs are very vocal as well. Owning a dog to me is a lot of work because you have to walk the dog and pick up the feces (eww) I know I clean the cat litter box but it's buried in sand and it's not that smelly or graphic because it's covered. When you have a dog you also have to worry about his attitude and if the dog is not friendly you have to worry about getting your leg bit off when you just get the dog. Uhm enough about dogs I know nothing lol, let's discuss what we know. Archie is my first pet because I bought him and named him so basically he's mine actually he owns me because I would do anything for him, now that I think about it I think he imprinted on me I know it's a wolf thing but that's the only explanation to why I am so obsessed with him.
I can say that having a pet makes it easier to deal with life, they are like a breath of fresh air and so vulnerable. It feels great to take care of a creature that you love because that brings out the nurturing and the mothering side of you. For example This morning when my alarm rang Archie came to my bed to just cuddle with me and that was so sweet but let me tell you a secret between you and I so because I know he will come to my bed when my alarm rings I set the alarm 10 minutes early just so we can have some cuddle time but he doesn't know that he thinks that he is making me late but actually I tricked him!. Cats are really sweet I don't know why they have a bad rep because they are literally sheep in wolf skin, they are also good for your mental health dogs are great too because they are like a form of distraction to fight off your internal demons; if you have some form of mental illness please adopt a cat or a dog trust me you will love the process and if you hate the beginning stages I can assure you that you will fall in love with your pet as they get used to you and you get used to them. Words aren't enough for me to describe just how much I love my cat and I haven't even had him for a year yet! I can't wait to see what life has for us in 3-5 years I hope he stays with me forever because the thought of not having him for a day makes me sad. He is my first pet and he has a special place in my heart even if I get more cats or a dog Archie will forever be number 1 !!
Ok enough about me ranting about my cat and being a weird cat mom, I just want to say if you can have a pet please go to the animal shelter and adopt a pet who needs a home you are basically saving them because some of them have had a really bad life and they have been mistreated and abused. Side note if I meet someone who abuse cats and dogs just for fun I will call the cops because I cannot be friends with such a monster. By the way if my significant other hate cats or hate Archie it's over because that's my child; I don't care if you don't like cats but my cat is different. Uhm anyway I am crazy my mind is a scary place and that is why I have a blog to ramble, and next when I am comfortable I will make a podcast.
2021-09-16T20:48:48+02:00
pet peeves in general.
Those things horrify me.
1. someone telling me what to do. I don't know why someone would think that's a good idea but please stop, I will accept help but don't boss me around ! By doing that nothing will be done.
2. Eating my leftover in the fridge. That hasn't happened to me in a long time but when that happened to me I wanted to scream and cry.
3. not telling me the truth. That's an equivalent to you lying to me but I mean none of it is good; just tell me the truth I can deal with it better than a lie.
4. asking me why I'm so quiet. Gee thanks for asking! I don't know why but that just makes me mad especially if the person who ask that question is just a random person who doesn't know me.
5. asking me if I am in a relationship. Especially if it's a guy asking but has no intention of dating me like why do you want to know? leave it alone or just focus on your girlfriend. By the way I will never let someone cheat on my watch or cheat on someone.
6. try to compete with me. That is a serious pet peeve for me because I hate competition and if you feel like you can do something better than me then go ahead because at this point I'm just trying to survive; and if you think you can steal someone I am currently dating please take him because if it is that easy for someone to just step in and take him away then I don't want it.
7. losing things. I don't usually lose my stuff often but when I do it really bothers me, there is a shirt I used to own in 2018 that I don't see anymore and that just bothers me a lot!
8. telling me to calm down. No one has ever calm down in the history of telling someone to calm down, that only aggravates the situation so don't waste your breath.