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2025-05-22T20:55:04+02:00
*for a dear friend I almost lost by suicide...
I am here for you always,
I will be your 2am call if needed.
You can disturb my peace anytime,
your notifications will always come through.
I love you, and I am praying for you.
The most beautiful flowers need the most care.
2025-05-22T15:56:59+02:00
Trigger warning: will discuss mental health issues.
I don't want to sound morbid but I will get right to the point, my whole life or ever since I can remember I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. Even when I wasn't even a teenager because I thought that started when I was 14 because that was the first depressive episode I can vividly remember. That summer when I was 14 years old I spent the whole summer in my room reading the bible, I would not go out unless for meetings and field service, I would watch tv, cry everyday and I barely ate anything and my mom was really scared. I recently read one of my journal entries when I was 11 years old and I cried reading it because I was soooo depressed! I was just a kid why did I have to feel this way?! here's what I said (it's in French I didn't speak English yet just highlight that sentence and translate it on your browser) " Je ne sais pas ce qui m'arrive mais je pleure tout le temps, j'essaie de ne pas inquiéter maman mais je pense qu'elle sait que quelque choses ne va pas. Elle me demande tout le temps si j'ai quelque choses a lui dire mais je ne sais meme pas ce qui m'arrive. je me sens si seule et parfois j'ai envie de mourir." Based on that entry I can say I was somewhat suicidal but I don't think I wanted to execute anything mainly because I love my mother and I knew she lost a child already, I knew she would not survive my death (she kept me alive). I was born with some type of chemical imbalance in my brain, I cannot describe it to you but in the past I could be happy and all of a sudden I hate living. I haven't felt this way since 2022... I accepted that I wasn't well mentally and I went to see my Doctor. We have to stop the stigma in the black community when it comes to mental health because a lot of us are losing the battle with mental health most of us need help.
Besides my treatment and therapy... I can say one thing that sealed the deal for me is exercising consistently. When you work out endorphins which are happy hormones get released in your brain to make you feel good and feel less stressed. Working out truly saved my life as well, I don't exercise to only look good I do it for my mental health. A good cardio session or weight lifting session is sometimes all that I need to feel good. Now for my anxiety essentially I made that one up, because that's what anxiety is you make it up in your mind that you're not in the right place, that people are judging you or watching you but who cares? I am not anxious at all that has gone away. I can walk in any room and feel as if I am supposed to be there. I don't care what people has to say about me... I am carefree, happy and living my life after a long battle with mental health issues I won.
Before when I would go out in huge crowds I would panic and I would run home lol, I still don't like big crowds especially when I don't need to be there but if I have a reason to be there then I am fine. I can go to a party and have a good time without alcohol, actually I have a much better time when I am sober because my head tend to spin when I drink and dance at the same time. I need to stay sober to dance and interact with others because I want to be 100% present but before I needed a stimulant to let loose now I don't need that I just simply need good music and good vibes. I am not a great dancer but I love having fun :) who cares if people are staring and judging I will dance until my feet hurts lol. Before I used to have anxiety about dancing in public, I hated it... I would only dance at home. Life is meant to lived, to enjoy and to create beautiful memories. I will not let my mental health struggles hold me back anymore.
2025-05-21T13:21:50+02:00
I don’t want to hear this:
Don’t tell me oh I felt bad for the guy so I gave him a chance! listen, men don’t do this. They like what they like and if you’re not his type he won’t even look your way. You need to stop giving people you are not attracted to a chance. Me personally I couldn’t do it! If when I look at you I don’t want to (…) then I can’t be with you. I need to feel a spark, a connection and our values need to be aligned as well. Men don’t feel bad for women, they care about themselves but us women we tend to settle because we’re "getting old". Me personally I am not ever in a rush to get married, I don’t even have a timeline. If marriage happens for me then it happens if it doesn’t then it’s not the end of the world ( but I want a kid) plus there’s the new world I can always get married then.
So many people are in a rush to get married only to get cheated on, mistreated and become miserable. As I always say I can find love at 50 years old the heart never gets old. I am in no rush to find anything because when you’re looking for something you will find it but it doesn’t necessarily mean that it will make you happy in the long run. For now I want to deepen my relationship with Jehovah, find a balance between fitness, my job and spiritual activities because they are all over the place ( those three things besides my family are my priority) love was never something I look for. I believe true love finds you when you least expect it and my baby is out there somewhere praying for me while I am squatting 120lb at the gym lol. He won’t know what hit him! I am so unpredictable yet grounded ! Like I always say I am a walking contradiction when you think you know what I am about to do then boom I do something else. I can’t wait to be in love ;)
2025-05-21T02:52:57+02:00
Fitness
After a hard work out and normally that’s after leg day for me, all I need is FOOD and lots of water! People asking how do you grow glutes ? Well first thing first you need to eat ! If you don’t eat and you keep working out then your muscles will not grow. If you don’t have enough food then you need to work out less because when you exercise you use a lot fuel and spending a lot of nutrient that your body will need to use to build muscles. You have to hit your protein goals, after a leg day I eat a lot more protein than on the weekend or on the days that I am not training my glutes.
One thing I hate seeing is men with nice big chest but very little legs and glutes ugh. Like do they have any leg days? I want my man working out legs with me. He doesn’t have to do every glute exercises I do but do the basic ones.
2025-05-20T21:15:16+02:00
I am a very easy going person, I can make friends with just about anyone as long as they don't like to gossip, or like drama then we can be friends. Women tend to gossip a lot and I hate to be put in that position especially when I am not familiar with the person who initiated the gossip. Usually when someone talk bad about someone with you, they talk bad about you with someone else. You think I will tell you everything I know and I just met you? girl some people know me their whole lives and still don't know what I am up to or much about me and you think I will open up that quickly? lol. I will show you and tell you what I want you to know.
if you have a problem with me just ask yourself if you did anything? if I did something to anyone trust me I will take full accountability and apologize for my actions.
2025-05-19T21:18:27+02:00
One thig I learned is that if I want to meet someone I need to go out and mingle. I can't be inside the house anymore, I will be out way more now because I kinda want to find someone :) I really want to be a mother and for that I need to find a great man for my baby's father.
I am not bragging when I say this but when I go out men are always ready to take my number, I am the one saying no lol but if he's my type I will say yes.
2025-05-19T05:41:48+02:00
2025-05-18T16:27:09+02:00
What’s the worse thing you’ve ever done?
I looked online to find out how to get rid of a guy! This person would not leave me alone even though I told him we’re friends and I’m not interested … I would set him up with someone else so he would leave me alone but he wouldn’t want to hear it so I had to come up with another plan… not going to tell you what I did because I felt bad after. And that’s one of the worse things I’ve ever done
What are you most afraid of?
Losing my mom. I would actually lose myself. She’s my whole world. I miss her so much because she is far away.
What do you like to do when you don’t feel as confident?
I would look at myself in the mirror and tell me how beautiful I am and how kind I am. I would fake smile of course because normally I’m not feeling it at that moment but then I would dig down my memory for something amazing I’ve done and there I will start smiling from ear to ear ;)
What’s one thing you love about yourself?
My discipline! If I set my mind on a goal it doesn’t matter who’s telling me to do something different I won’t do it if that wasn’t in my plan. I don’t always let motivation drive me, I let my discipline push me.
What’s more important to you besides family?
My relationship with Jehovah and my cats.
What do you like to do besides working out?
Naps, eat good food, dance, hanging out with people I love, and dressing up.
2025-05-18T02:19:05+02:00
Habits that made you unreachable
2025-05-17T23:45:51+02:00
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