Trigger warning: will discuss mental health issues.
I don't want to sound morbid but I will get right to the point, my whole life or ever since I can remember I've always struggled with depression and anxiety. Even when I wasn't even a teenager because I thought that started when I was 14 because that was the first depressive episode I can vividly remember. That summer when I was 14 years old I spent the whole summer in my room reading the bible, I would not go out unless for meetings and field service, I would watch tv, cry everyday and I barely ate anything and my mom was really scared. I recently read one of my journal entries when I was 11 years old and I cried reading it because I was soooo depressed! I was just a kid why did I have to feel this way?! here's what I said (it's in French I didn't speak English yet just highlight that sentence and translate it on your browser) " Je ne sais pas ce qui m'arrive mais je pleure tout le temps, j'essaie de ne pas inquiéter maman mais je pense qu'elle sait que quelque choses ne va pas. Elle me demande tout le temps si j'ai quelque choses a lui dire mais je ne sais meme pas ce qui m'arrive. je me sens si seule et parfois j'ai envie de mourir." Based on that entry I can say I was somewhat suicidal but I don't think I wanted to execute anything mainly because I love my mother and I knew she lost a child already, I knew she would not survive my death (she kept me alive). I was born with some type of chemical imbalance in my brain, I cannot describe it to you but in the past I could be happy and all of a sudden I hate living. I haven't felt this way since 2022... I accepted that I wasn't well mentally and I went to see my Doctor. We have to stop the stigma in the black community when it comes to mental health because a lot of us are losing the battle with mental health most of us need help.
Besides my treatment and therapy... I can say one thing that sealed the deal for me is exercising consistently. When you work out endorphins which are happy hormones get released in your brain to make you feel good and feel less stressed. Working out truly saved my life as well, I don't exercise to only look good I do it for my mental health. A good cardio session or weight lifting session is sometimes all that I need to feel good. Now for my anxiety essentially I made that one up, because that's what anxiety is you make it up in your mind that you're not in the right place, that people are judging you or watching you but who cares? I am not anxious at all that has gone away. I can walk in any room and feel as if I am supposed to be there. I don't care what people has to say about me... I am carefree, happy and living my life after a long battle with mental health issues I won.
Before when I would go out in huge crowds I would panic and I would run home lol, I still don't like big crowds especially when I don't need to be there but if I have a reason to be there then I am fine. I can go to a party and have a good time without alcohol, actually I have a much better time when I am sober because my head tend to spin when I drink and dance at the same time. I need to stay sober to dance and interact with others because I want to be 100% present but before I needed a stimulant to let loose now I don't need that I just simply need good music and good vibes. I am not a great dancer but I love having fun :) who cares if people are staring and judging I will dance until my feet hurts lol. Before I used to have anxiety about dancing in public, I hated it... I would only dance at home. Life is meant to lived, to enjoy and to create beautiful memories. I will not let my mental health struggles hold me back anymore.
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