From my last post I invited you in to my psyche. Some people think that I am always strong or that I am always on top but no one is. Perhaps they don’t think of me that way but no one never really check in on me, and to genuinely want to know how I am really doing. Asking me “how are you?” In passing doesn’t mean anything I will always tell you that I am doing good. Have you ever been in a situation where you casually ask someone “hey how are you doing” and they start telling you how they’re really doing and it’s not great… but you didn’t care to know, that’s embarrassing. My biggest fear is telling someone who doesn’t care about my problems. I can read body language very well because I am an empath, I can see when your energy shift and I know that this conversation is not really what you want. Your eyes, your body position are all signaling to me “Gaelle I really don’t care” and in that moment I take it and I stop talking. I will never tell you about my problems again. The only person I genuinely feel safe to talk about anything with even my love life is my mother. She gives me the best advice. You would think because she’s my mother she would be biased but nope! She tells me when I’m wrong and what I need to work on, she tells me when I need to walk away, when I need to find someone else, or when I need to stop running. She’s a really beautiful person inside and out after all I look like her!. I miss her sooo much, I love her more than myself. She’s my whole world, I cannot spend a day without talking to my mother. Without her I’m not breathing. I pray to God that she never leaves me because I would die.
Mentally today I feel so defeated. I will just take it easy on myself and pray. I know my pms is really bad. It’s always been bad. I didn’t know my hormones was one of the driving force of my depression but once my old psychiatrist figured it out, I realized that all along right before my period I almost always wanted to die or felt terrible about myself. Knowing that this is what’s happening helps me to track my cycle and prepare for when it happens. During that time I normally watch movies or shows that I like, read, sleep, cook my favorite meals, stay hydrated and modify my workouts because my energy is normally low. I don’t beat myself up about it, I know what’s going on. The sun will shine again after the storm. This too shall pass.
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