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2023-12-02T16:47:11+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

 

A tragic end.

 

Oh boy, I don’t think I talked about her specifically here before but since January 2022 she has been on my mind. Her name is Cheslie Kryst she was crowned miss USA in 2019. She was so beautiful and I remember thinking “oh my God” a black woman won the miss USA! Because at the time I think there was 5 black women crowned for pageants all over the world and they were all beautiful and smart. I was sooo proud ! I kept following cheslie online but then I deleted my Instagram so I stopped keeping up with her. 

 

To my surprise on January 2022, I saw on the news that cheslie committed suicide! I was like what!? There is no way! This is obviously a murder investigation and someone probably pushed her off the balcony. I remember checking google for days to follow to make sure that she didn’t commit suicide and that someone as beautiful as her couldn’t possibly want to die to stop her suffering. But no she did actually jumped off that balcony and she died upon impact. She was sooo successful she was not only miss USA but she was a lawyer, a TV host and she did so many things to help the other women on the pageants. I just couldn’t believe that someone like her could possibly want to die! I was sad after that and I keep thinking about her. I still go on her Instagram, I saw her mom made an interview about her talking about how that day went. She sent her mom a text, posted a picture on Instagram with the caption “ I hope this day bring you rest and peace” and then she wrote a note stating that she is leaving all her assets to her mom, then she jumped off the balcony. 

I remember thinking  what if she changed her mind after she jumped!? What if she thought OMG what did I just do but then it was too late …

 

I still think about her to this day, and her story shook my world because you never know what someone may be going through. They may be rich, beautiful, successful, have a relationship that you envy but they could still be suffering and the only for them to stop the pain in their own perspective is to end their Iives. I am against suicide, i don’t think it is the right thing to do. But have I thought about it?  yes, but then I remember how far I’ve come and how many hardships I overcame then I smile I thank God for being with me. Suicide is an end to a temporary problem; if you are struggling with mental health talk to someone you trust and please don’t be afraid. Go to therapy, pray to God, read the Bible, avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself but hang out with people who uplift you and make you see the good in yourself. I promise you this is just a bad chapter, eventually the page will turn and you will get to the good parts of your story. 

 

We miss you cheslie  :(

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2023-12-01T14:45:50+01:00

burn out

Publié par Gaelle.R

I am experiencing a burnout right now and I really think it's a result of me recovering from the flu I had last week but maybe it's been going on for a while now. I am really trying to keep things afloat, but I hate everything. I am exhausted, I don't want to talk to anyone, and I just want to be left alone. When people do leave me alone, I get sad because like why would you leave me alone when I clearly need help? lol but of course I am not asking for help either. I think the hardest thing I have to do in life is asking for help and also saying "goodbye" I do hate goodbyes which is why I always disappear before I have to say it first. 

I don't have a problem with anyone, I just want to be alone right now even though that Is not what I need but that is what I want. I do need to be around people and that is why I love my job because I get along with my coworkers and we are always joking; I love it there. But besides work what do I have? I don't know... at my meetings I don't really hang out with many people there.

I don't know and that's the problem, I dissociate too much. I am there but really my mind is somewhere else and I have no idea what's going on; I am not even sure that I am real. ( I am going back to therapy. something is not right)

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2023-12-01T12:32:09+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

Update.

i feel sick. Emotionally I am drained. I am glad that I have my cats because they make me feel something when I am taking care of them. I am in a stage of burn-out.. 

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2023-11-30T00:27:43+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

Black women hates their natural hair and here’s why…

We don’t fully accept our hair, we say we use hair extensions to protect our hair when really we are just hiding it. Do we even care for it at all? Why hide something that is beautiful? 

I used to hate my natural hair because I didn’t understand it, I didn’t know how to take care of it. When I was 12 my mom put a perm in my hair which is a curly hair suicide. The chemical burned my scalp but I thought beauty was pain and I believed that I needed to do that to be accepted. I seriously thought my hair was unruly. When I see women nowadays talking about how their natural hair looks so dull, too curly, tangled or too much shrinkage I don’t judge them because I once thought the same thing. The fact that a black woman has to purchase a very expensive wig just to feel accepted by society or to “feel pretty” is insane 

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2023-11-29T15:04:02+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

things I love/ new habits.

I try to keep life fun for me because I am extremely moody and I overthink everything, so I hold on to anything that makes me happy.

  1. on Tuesdays I eat tacos for lunch from my favorite taco place next to my job and it is soooo delicious. I usually get the steak supreme soft tacos, and I am the happiest girl in the world. 
  2. on the weekends when I watch a PSG match, I usually get chicken with fries from a place directly across my apartment, I could walk there If I wanted to, but I usually don't! guess what I do? yup I get it delivered (one time the guy delivering my food was like uhm you know we're right across the street from you right? I was like "I know :)"
  3. I love falling sleeping on the couch while watching old 80's commercials especially on Saturday afternoon and Sunday after meeting... it makes me happy. 
  4. Friday night is movie night sometimes I rent, or I find a great movie throughout the week and save it for Friday night. 
  5. I will be deleting my personal insta soon, I don't like it plus a lot of creeps keeps Dming me, but I do love my old Hollywood insta. 

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2023-11-28T01:51:15+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

Being alone.

 

Last week I was extremely sick to the point where I lost 5 pounds in a span of 3 days! on top of the 10 pounds I lost 2 weeks ago. Honestly, on Thursday last week I thought I was going to die! I thought wow I am literally going to die with my cat pixie laying next to me! And all the other cats will probably eat my remains when no one shows up to take me out the house. I know it was depressing thought but I was so weak; I could not eat, couldn’t stand because my head was spinning, I had a high fever and I just felt like the world stopped for me. 

Today a girl came to my job for consult I am not going to discuss anything about the patient but while I was doing a procedure on her she started crying when I told her how strong I thought she was after she told me what she’s been through … and I understood her completely. She apologized for crying and I told her it was fine and sometimes you just need to cry. She said she felt so alone on thanksgiving and so did I. I felt like crying inside; I don’t like the holidays because people are going to see their families and I am not. My family lives 7 hours away from me… I miss them a lot. I feel so alone, I want a friend and I want so one that I can rely on. I am there for everyone but no one is there for me. The people at my job care more for me than some people I know. 

 

I was sooo sick I didn’t go to meetings but no one called me except one friend, she texted me and wanted to know what was going on… although she stopped replying but at least she asked. I even reach out to other people to make sure they were ok while I was literally dying. I just feel so sick of everyone, I really do. I am entering my villain era and I do not care anymore. 

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2023-11-27T23:46:21+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4O5U9FuZejBtkpvlxDvxz4?si=sNK9C_X4TOeUSRugG5bwmg

this playlist I just linked above are literally music with either no words or very minimal words. This is my playlist for work out and for driving like a total nut case 

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2023-11-27T12:49:01+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

Wanna know something?

 

At least 1 time a day I think about giving up, what if one day that’s all I think about and I just finally do it? I don’t mean dying I mean letting go of certain things or people who causes me pain … maybe I will. 

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2023-11-26T22:39:57+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

when I found out that Taylor Swift loves cats, I started to like her a little more 

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