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My situation right now
2026-04-12T16:52:05+02:00
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2026-04-12T01:28:51+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
I feel mentally drained. I need a break. I need to cry. I need to feel. I can’t.
I feel like I want to scream but I can’t. It’s suffocating. I feel like I should be sad if I were to let myself feel. But I can’t. I’m lost. I feel so alone. So unloved. Broken. Shattered. Ashamed. Guilty. I wish my mom was here. I need a hug but I hate hugs. I want to feel something. Anything.
2026-04-11T15:53:25+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
I slept 11 hours straight last night!
I sleep a lot and if I don’t I will be mean lol
2026-04-11T15:08:23+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
Confidence isn’t loud,
it doesn’t shout.
it just commends the room,
when you walk, in your presence is felt.
There’s no big announcement.
your presence should be enough.
2026-04-10T19:08:32+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
Following up with that email, let me just clarify I am not in that state of mind anymore. I am happier now, yes I have good and bad days. but for the most part I am happy unless something bad happens. I am uncapable of crying anyways lol which means I am in a constant state of contentment or numbness.
I honeslty don't care who likes me or who doesn't... I currently have no friends, no crush absolutely nothing. My life is peaceful.
2026-04-10T15:32:45+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
when people ask me " why do you work out so much?"
This is why.
I am sharing this private email that I sent to myself around 2022-2023 name have been redacted to protect the person identity. If I didn't immediately get in the gym I don't think I would be here today. ( during the time I wrote those emails, I was going through severe depression and psychosis. I felt so alone, every emotions were heighten and any little thing made me even more sad. If I said hi to someone and they didn't respond I would genuinely feel like an outcast) they do say before you get better, you get worse and during those times I was at my breaking point.
On Sun, May 21, 2023 at 2:10 PM Gaelle Roy <gaelleroy199@gmail.com> wrote:
Truthfully I still feel this way and it hurts that I am going through something that no one knows about let along the person who has brought me this much pain. I feel like I am on a boat in a empty ocean and I have nowhere to go. I am not sure what I could do to make it feel better, I wish I could take away this feeling. I wish I could just wake up one day and have all of this feeling be gone. Sadly, it doesn’t work this way. I have to sit with this feeling until it pass. I have to cry it out of my system and pray it away.When will I get over this feeling? Will I move on one day and feel this way for someone new? So many questions yet I have no answer. I am not sure why I feel this way. I want to run away and never come back.
On Wed, Nov 23, 2022 at 11:03 AM Roy, Melodie <Melodie_Roy@atriushealth.org> wrote:Staying alive is a pain in the ass, some days I just wish I wasn’t here anymore; or that I was far away or that I no longer know the people that I know now. Some people that I want to be friends with treat me so poorly it’s almost as if they are tired of my shit. Like what did I do to y’all?? I am literally trying to make your life better and helping you. When they need me they contact me because they know I am going to help them with their bullshit but when it’s time for me to contact them when I need them they suddenly got something planned or they simply don’t have the time. There’s this guy name ____ he literally make me feel like shit, he makes me want to die when I talk to him. he has shown me multiple time that he literally do not give a F about me, but somehow I cannot get that through my skull. I wish he cared about me, I wish he was the friend I have been to him. I feel like shit and whenever I see him he reminds me of how unlovable I am.
The only place I feel better is at work when I occupy my mind with other things and helping other people. But when I am home I mostly just watch TV and sleep. Other times I focus on how broke I am, how I don’t have any friends and I just scroll on Instagram none stop until my eyes get tired and I have no choice but to turn off my phone because my anxiety just somehow get worse when I check other people’s Instagram.
The hardest thing that I have to do is staying alive because I honestly don’t feel like being here anymore, but I love my cats and I will never kill myself because of them. I am thinking about moving into another town or city; I don’t know somewhere far from here so that I can start my life over. I want to stay away from all the people who make me hate myself and all the people who makes me wish that I was dead.
People like ______only make me wish that I was dead. He makes me feel less of a person like I am a nuisance sighhh why do I do this to myself? I always pick the worse friends and the wrong people to have crush on? I am bad at character judging now when I like someone I automatically think they are a shitty person because that’s the type I always pick.
Ugh I wish that I could stay as far away from him as possible, he makes me feel so much pain. I wonder if I did something wrong? All I did was help. I feel sooo alone, if I didn’t have my cats I would have killed myself because I just hate being here. I feel so invisible, so pathetic, so alone, so forgotten.
I think I am going to disappear for a while… I just can’t do this anymore.
This e-mail, including attachments, may include confidential and/or
proprietary information, and may be used only by the person or entity
to which it is addressed. If the reader of this e-mail is not the intended
2026-04-10T14:55:46+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
When I am about to disappear from your life, there’s no big announcement.
You’ll never see it coming even if you think I will leave, you’ll never know when.
The day before I disappear,
I may confess my love for you, beg you to kiss me, to touch me and to even love me.
Pathetic.
You will feel sorry for me.
But I’m confirming what I already know.
I know you don’t love me and you’ll never will.
It’s not rocket science.
I watched your actions, listened to everything you said.
Saw how your priorities never involved me.
Asked you many questions to see just how much I don’t matter to you.
I needed a final nail in the coffin to end it.
I needed you to mess up so bad to the point that there’s no going back.
And when it happens I’ll never be back.
2026-04-10T12:32:14+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
I was just a pit stop along the way.
I was just a dinner reservation once a month.
I was just a piece of ass.
I was just a place holder.
I was just there to fill in the blanks.
You never asked me anything about myself.
Never knew my favorite color.
Never knew my favorite flowers.
Never gave me flowers.
Never held me without expecting anything back.
When you kissed my forehead,
I realized how much I long to be loved but funny thing is I didn’t want it from you.
2026-04-10T12:27:25+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
Waited for you to change.
Waited for you to see me.
I didn’t have to.
But I did.
Waited for you to notice.
But you never did.
You don’t even know my name.
You don’t even know me.
Despite how I laid it all out for you.
You still don’t understand.
Never called you anything but my love in my heart.
But you call me your homie.
I’m not afraid anymore.
Because I’m finally letting you go after holding on to you for way too long.
Goodbye my love.
Even when I kiss you, I love you less.
Even when I look at you, I feel almost nothing.
Even when I touch you, the static disappears more and more.
If only you knew how much I loved you.
I would’ve done anything you asked.
That scared me.
I would’ve walked through fire for you and told you it was cold.
I would’ve walked up on a mountain for you and acted like it was nothing.
But no more.
All my efforts were wasted.
All my love meant nothing.
Time to take all of that and give it back to myself.
I don’t love anymore.
I don’t have any friends.
I don’t have anything.
I’m at rock bottom.
2026-04-10T04:33:00+02:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
Emotional
Truth is I can’t cry. I tried! I am trying right now and I can’t. All my tears have dried. I have been through so much. There was a point in my life when I used to cry myself to sleep every night and waking up crying. Now I can’t even shed one tear!
I want to cry! I want a release :( but I can’t because of the anti depressant I’m on. I feel numb, I don’t know what I am feeling half the time. I don’t feel any drastic emotions. To cry I used to watch Zendaya scene in euphoria where she said “you left me at my lowest a real friend wouldn’t do that Jules, you don’t love me you love being loved” that scene was so emotional and I would normally be sobbing before it was over! but now I watch it and feel absolutely nothing. I feel the hurt but it’s different than before. The hurt weighs heavy on my chest, I want to cry but I can’t and I can’t even express it how I used to. I want to say something but I don’t I just simply work out and just go beyond what I can handle. Lately I started praying about it, I always prayed but some issues were too emotional for me to express but when I do talk to Jehovah about it I do feel better. I started being real in my journal instead of holding back. Jehovah and my journal are my safe so