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2024-02-01T20:55:49+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

Mourning 

There’s no right way to mourn a loved one, when my dad passed away I didn’t cry at first. Even when I saw his body I still didn’t cry, I actually went home and got ready to go to a meeting. I am not sure if I was mentally at that meeting, I could have told people my dad just died but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t believe that my dad was gone. I wanted everything to be normal ! I wanted to control everything! 

 

After I came back from the meeting and I sat there in the dark. I just wouldn’t stop crying! I felt so alone but I wanted to be alone! I didn’t want anyone to show me any sympathy because I don’t think I deserve it. I don’t know how to face my emotions or how to feel. When I laugh I feel guilty because I am supposed to be sad but deep inside I do feel broken and I just want my mom. I don’t want any strangers in my business, I have my cats here with me and they’ve been total sweethearts, pixie never left my side especially when I am crying he stays with me until I fall asleep. I am not sure how to let other people help me! I don’t want it. I just want to be left alone with my pain. I am grieving the loss of my dad and honestly I am not sure how to feel… his passing has shown me what’s really important! I am no longer forcing people to be there for me or to even love me. I am enough and my dad loved me more than any man ever could, I knew he did. 

 

I miss you so much daddy. 

Sincerely your little princess. 

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2024-02-01T20:44:46+01:00

1/30/2024

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

Daddy’s princess.

 

“Today I woke up with tears in my eyes wishing I was a better daughter. I wasn’t there for you when I knew you needed me, even when you pushed me away I knew it was because you wish I cared more and I will forever regret it. I don’t deserve any sympathy”

 

My dad has passed away, and I am just broken. When I got the news I was on my lunch break  after having an awesome morning, I had no idea where my dad was and how bad he was feeling. I was just being selfish by staying away… when I got the call I was just shocked. I didn’t eat, I just drove straight to the hospital only to find him already gone. He looked like he was asleep, i wanted to wake him up but it was too hard for me to look at his lifeless body. He looked so peaceful, so small, so gentle, he had so much love but no one to give it to. I didn’t deserve him, I am not going to sit here and say I did all I could to keep him alive because I didn’t. I wasn’t the daughter he wanted, I gave up a long time ago but he kept fighting. I am not looking for sympathy, I don’t deserve it. My sweet daddy is gone and there’s nothing I can do to bring him back.  I don’t want any strangers calling me saying “ condolences or I am sorry for your loss” none of it can bring him back, let me mourn in peace . I don’t deserve any nice gestures, I am the worse daughter any father could have. I never deserved my dad and it’s so sad that he’s gone in those circumstances.

The last time I saw him he looked sooo fragile, so frail and I said goodbye to him for the last time, I didn’t even hugged him !

Realizing that my dad never got to see me in love, he never met my first boyfriend and he never got to walk me down the aisle or even see my kids broke my heart even more. I had plans for him I wish I could’ve kept him with me but I was too sick mentally to even be there for him. I am not okay and I was never okay. I needed him but he needed me more yet I did nothing !  He was sick for 2 years! And for so long I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe that the cancer was progressing, I believed that in my mind he was still the same. I didn’t want to accept that he was disappearing right before my eyes! He was the strongest human being I have ever known! He never complained ! Never forced anything and he even in death he just went peacefully without a fuss. He was in sooo much pain both physically and emotionally. He knew he had no one! I knew he was counting on me! I was there when I could, not when he needed me to. 

 

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2024-01-29T18:54:51+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

The feminists are not happy.

Part of being a feminist is to stand up for women's right by overlooking the men; standing up for women is the human thing to do and I think every decent human being should respect one another. But the feminists are extreme, they will go out of their way to uplift women by putting a man down, if the only way for me to feel uplifted is at the detriment of someone else whether it is a man or woman then I don't want it.

The feminists thinking is " I can do bad all by myself, I don't need a man in my life..." actually yes you need a man because how else can you procreate? or do you claim that you don't want kids when in reality you do but you just can't imagine yourself being with a man? you can't use another woman for that. In reality the woman who chooses being independent and "I can do it all alone" mentality is actually miserable and lonely. I was once that woman, I would turn down men because I just wanted to be alone; or because I didn't feel like giving my attention to a man. Truth is I don't regret my decision for some of the men I turned down because they were not husband material anyway and I don't date for fun, I date to marry. A woman needs help, there are certain things women aren't built to do for example things that require us having muscle and lifting heavy weights are not for us; sure, we can do it but if a man was present the man would do it not us. It is totally fine to let a man do their job; it is okay to say " can you please carry me to the car because my feet are hurting from wearing those heels" you are not pathetic for letting a man help you.

Actually, I love when a man helps me, it makes me feel soo feminine and I love that feeling. You know the noise cats make when they're purring that's how I feel when a man I find attractive is taking charge :) (pause I am getting a visual at the moment). I am proud to be in my feminine energy, I will not chase a man or go out of my way to seek a man because that is their job. I am fine with being pursued; I am being pursued at the moment...I wish I felt the same, but I don't so It feels like harassment just a little bit lol. 

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2024-01-29T15:51:31+01:00

uhm?

Publié par Gaelle.R

I got my hair braided yesterday and it looks good, my friend did an amazing job, but I miss my afro already! I love my hair so much that I feel so weird without it :( This is the last time I am putting braids in my hair for this year. I miss my hair too much and I feel so weird. 

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2024-01-27T23:37:00+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

“ my biggest regret is that you won’t be in my life forever God knows I wanted to keep you.”

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2024-01-27T18:15:41+01:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

Why are women leaving the church to go find a man outside? 

 

I talked about this in a recording; I started it by saying “I understand why some women do it but I don’t agree with it”. Yes, I understand that at a certain age, you want to start a family, you want to have a ring on your finger and when you look around all the men around you are either already married or dating a girl who’s miles from them! Like why do men do that? There are so many fine sisters at hand reach yet they rather date someone in another country so that it’s not awkward in case it doesn’t work out!

 

I am a Jehovah's Witness and I don’t want to date someone who doesn’t share the same religious beliefs and values as me because we would not agree on a lot of things and I would just be miserable. It’s either I forget about serving Jehovah and find a man on the outside ( which I will never do by the way because the men outside are way worse!) or I stay serving Jehovah and hope and pray he blesses me with my husband ( which I intend to do by the way) getting married is not at the top of my list but I do want to find love and I do want a beautiful family. 

 

I see a lot of women leave the embrace of God to only find a man who’s not even going to church regularly! Like no! I get that it gets lonely but there is more to life than a man. You can give Jehovah your all and believe me you will be happier this way, imagine leaving Jehovah for a man to only get cheated on!? In my case I don’t have a lot of choices there are more women than men serving Jehovah so my chances of finding a man near me are slim to none! All the fine brothers are already in a relationship with some girl far away or already married! while I am here Rotting lol no that was a joke! I only get finer with age ;) I realize that I need to move around and possibly travel a lot more to find my man because what if he’s in France? Which I hope he is because I love a French man! They are so respectful! So attentive and so in touch with their emotions… the fact that I already own 3 cats is not a problem for me but it could be for someone if they don’t like cats… I will never date a man who doesn’t like cats by the way. I understand that you might not like cats but you will love mine! If not then that is just a red flag lol because I will not give my babies away they are part of me. 

 

Truth is when someone loves you, they will love everything about you even if they tend to hate it on other people but on you, it will always look great. I know he will love the way I love animals and he will not make me feel bad for it… honestly, I don’t even see any available men near me and that is just sad! I need to move! Possibly go to another country. 

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