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chaotic mind.
Unsolicited arguments.
Meditation over altercations.
Mind racing because it's starting again.
2020-12-02T01:27:23+01:00
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2020-11-29T18:19:53+01:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
"you are way more than what meets the eyes." _said someone who once met me.
2020-11-29T05:15:02+01:00
December.
The month that I get older.
The month that I cry the hardest because I've lost someone.
It's not about me, it never was.
I get older regardless, I don't need an exact date to grow up.
I am growing each day.
Every day I am learning something new and I am somehow born again.
It is indeed the hardest month for 2 years now.
I wish I could skip to January.
It's a month of sorrow whether I want it or not.
Some might get tired of how long I take to move on, but the grieving process is never easy.
I could care less about what anyone thinks.
I will let my emotions show, I will let the tears drown my face.
I am not going to keep anything in, It's the month to let my pain be felt.
I will be okay the rest of the year but this month is dedicated to my pain.
You can either lend me a shoulder to cry on or stay away.
Either way, I will be fine after.
Jehovah is always by my side.
2020-11-28T04:37:40+01:00
facts.
some truths.
- I write better when I am sad. For some reason, the pain just inspires me even more. I try to not get carried away because I could express my pain way more than I actually feel it, to sum it up I tend to exaggerate my pain when I am hurting. I tend to describe it as a "dark hole" because I am not able to describe some pain too well. As I get older I get familiar with what a broken heart feels like which is like a physical pain like being hit with a ball hard but you feel the pain in your heart. I get familiar with the feeling of being disappointed which is like a feeling of realizing that things are not what they seem and the list goes on...
- I never hit snooze on my alarm clock except on the weekend because that is the only time I feel comfortable to hit snooze and delay my day. I don't have to go to work on the weekend so it doesn't hurt that much to sleep in. I cannot have multiple alarms to wake me up because one is enough and multiple alarms give me headaches.
- I like vintage stuff like typewriter, record player (I just got one and I am so happy), old photograph, old furniture with a classic touch, old movies (black and white films) the way the actors speak is so different it's like from a different time it's just so clean and sophisticated.
- Hugs make me uncomfortable I said that before lol.
- I love disappearing. You could see me for a while and never see me again so enjoy my presence while it last because I won't always be there even if it feels like I am. I will leave one day and I may not come back.
- I love classical music. My love for classical music is really deep I don't know how to describe it. Also, I hate jazz sorry.
2020-11-26T21:17:21+01:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
In solitude I find peace.
I am not fighting with an enemy from the outside because I have sealed the gate.
There are no voices coming from across the room beside my own.
I am not living for anyone as I am already alone.
I cannot say "the world is against me" because no one is causing me pain.
I have already got rid of all the toxicity in my life.
I've put up a wall to protect me from any intruder.
As I stand in my castle of solitude, I revel in my own misery.
2020-11-26T04:10:37+01:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
All the memories are fading away.
I can no longer remember how it felt to be there on the first day.
I cannot remember any of it.
I forget some people.
I forget the way I used to feel.
I forget a lot...
sometimes I wonder if I was really there.
2020-11-26T03:42:26+01:00
Publié depuis Eklablog
Even though I am experiencing writer's block or at least I thought I was; I really thought I couldn't write anymore until I wrote that piece earlier. I wasn't doing too well but now I am doing okay and I am happy that I realized that I could still write despite all the things going on inside my head. I usually stop writing when I don't want to feel anything but I am tired of being numb. I am not sure if I am ready to feel the pain but I am willing to give it a try even if it kills me...
2020-11-26T03:10:35+01:00
things
Three words that I want to say "sick of it", yes sick of the illusion that things could be different.
Things are right just the way they are even when I cry.
I am supposed to cry to grow from the pain and turn it into power.
Things are right when I scream and want to run away.
I am supposed to scream because emotions are meant to be felt and screaming is one way to feel it.
Things are right when I wake up alone and scared.
I am supposed to know what being scared feels like so I can feel safe when the timing is right.
Things are right when I lose things.
I am supposed to lose things because that is the only way they can be found again.
Things are right when I sit in the dark overthinking.
I am supposed to overthink so I can figure out what step I should take next.
Things were right when I met you.
I was supposed to meet you even if you were going to hurt me.
Things are right when my heart is breaking.
I am supposed to feel my heartbreaking because that is the only way I can feel it being put back together.
Things are right when I disappear.
I am supposed to disappear because nothing changes when I come back.
2020-11-21T16:17:01+01:00
worse and best thing that could ever happened to you... go.
What’s the worse thing that could happen to you?
The worse thing that could happen to me is realizing that I told someone too much because I am the most private person ever. If I’ve opened myself to you that means I trust you and I don’t just trust “anyone”. You would have to make me feel comfortable and prove to me that I could trust you. Either way that’s the worse thing that could happen to me.
The best thing that could happen to me?
The best thing that could happen to me would be a place for me to be myself without anyone trying to change me because I always meet people who are trying to tell me who I should be while I am already a whole human being. Don’t confuse “a place to be myself” as accepting all my wrongdoing without anyone pointing it out to me no that’s enabling and I don’t want anyone to let me be at my worse when I could be at my best. What I mean is to feel like I can just be my rawest self without having to polish anything. Where is that place? send me now!
2020-11-18T02:16:34+01:00
fun facts about me.
- Often times I forget to say "HI" don't take it personally I do that to everyone and no I'm not trying to ignore anyone, It's just a bad habit of mine.
- I don't like being compared to anyone or anything because we can all agree that I am unique. I do believe that we are all different in our own ways. Which is why you shouldn't compare my uniqueness to anyone.
- I do not like long small talk or I'll start to feel uncomfortable. I will discuss the weather but that's as far as I will go.
- I don't like excuses, it annoys me.
- I am either a chatty box or quiet as a mute there's no in-between unless I'm at work.
- I always appear to be shy but actually, I'm not. To go into details I know I am not shy because I am not afraid to talk to strangers. I can speak in public I just can't control my nerves. I am not afraid to talk to anyone, although I am soft-spoken and I can speak at low volume when I am nervous but I am not shy. If anyone knows anything that I can take to calm my nerves please tell me.
- when I want something I am going to do it no matter what only a truck or lightning could stop me and even then I would still try!
- I do not like being bothered when I am relaxing especially not on a Sunday!
- I love being alone, It's weird I know but that's how I like it.
- I love art and I would spend all my coins on a good portrait.