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2025-11-20T14:51:56+01:00
Bad day
today I didn't work out at 5am I will work out in the afternoon. I feel like my whole day is thrown off, I hate working out in the afternoon. I feel soooo sleepy right now. I woke up at 4:24 am without my alarm and I could not fall back asleep because my body is soooo used to working at 5 am... but today I have to go later. I hate it .... I feel soooo odd I wanna cry. My ocd is flaring up, I hate a change in my routine
2025-11-19T15:13:34+01:00
One thing I struggle with the most is believing that anyone else can be there for me. All my life I had to fight for what I wanted, I had to fight to survive in environments that weren't so welcoming. I always believe in my own strength I never relied on anyone, I never believed anyone could love me the way that I love myself or the way that i want be love. I always hide when I need help or when I need support because in the past I never got it. Which is why I have an avoidant attachment style but I want to change that, when I reach out for help believe me when I tell you I tried every possibility I know before I ask anyone for anything.
Avoiding love and vulnerability has made it difficult for me to get in relationships because I don't trust anyone. Imagine I open my heart to someone and they break it...I want to get rid of that fear or at least try even if I am scared. I want to know what it feels like to be loved by a man, to be held by a man I know who loves me for me and not for anything else.
2025-11-19T14:38:06+01:00
If there's rule that I live by it's to "always be myself no matter what and who's around".
I always advise everyone who struggle with people pleasing just like I did to always be yourself. Live your life the way you want, date the person you want, Travel to the places you want, marry the person you want, Have the career you want, have the pet you want, have the friends you want... Never let anyone chose your career, your friends, your spouse and never let anyone tell you how to live your life. If God allowed you to chose the way you want to live without forcing you to serve him then who else should decide for you!? If your own creator let you chose, what can us little humans do?. I used to want to please everyone when I was younger and I realize that's why I was so depressed! I wasn't living for me but I was living for other people. They would tell me go that school and I would listen, they would tell me pick those courses and I would do it without a second thought even if deep inside me I knew I wanted something else. They will tell me get rid of that friend and be friend with this person instead and I would listen, One time a lady came up to me and offered up her son to take me on a date and I agreed because I wanted to make that lady happy even though I had no interest in her son. If I didn't start living for me, I would have already been married with a man I didn't love only just so I could keep his family happy.
I started living for me in my late twenties, I remember this one time when I was 22 years old I decided to embrace my natural hair. At first I didn't know what to do with my hair because I have really coarse hair and I really didn't know how to style my hair or what products to use. One time I just wash my hair and let it dry then I simply put a hairband in it without any products, I thought my hair looked sooo cute so I took a picture and sent it to my mom. My mother hated it, she told me straight up I hate it and you need to straighten your hair. I hung up the phone cried that day and guess what I did even though I loved my natural hair? yes I put a relaxer in it to keep it straight because my mother hated it. I think that was the turning point for me, immediately after I put that relaxer in my hair I regretted it. Then I started realizing how much I was living for other people and I decided to stop, so I did. What I love about myself is when I decide to do something I will do it but I have to decide no one else can do that for me. I listened to a ton of podcast before about standing up for yourself and I nodded my head in agreement while I was barely standing up for what I wanted.
My advise for you is to always be yourself and it doesn't matter if people hate how you are, as long as you are not hurting anyone or breaking the law then be who you want to be. Be your weird self, have all the cats or dogs you want or any pet (except a pet snake that I can never get behind) , be loud, be quiet if you want, dance like no one is watching, and you can also chose not to dance that is your choice... never let anyone make you feel bad because of you are, so what you're shy? so what you're quiet? so what you're loud? so what you're super outgoing? be yourself babe and the right people will love you.
2025-11-19T13:06:14+01:00
“ and on a random day I decided I won’t love you anymore. I didn’t care if you noticed me, if you called or if you cared. I simply decided to move on despite how much my heart cries your name. I muffled the sound of my pleading heart with logic, and decided you’ll never love me. I started opening my heart to the possibility that someone else will. I let myself think of other possibilities because you’re no longer my end game.”
2025-11-18T16:24:48+01:00
it is very strict around here!
I am in bed by 8pm and fall asleep by 8:30pm so I can wake up at 4:24am daily. I only eat my meal prep during the week and I can only get takeout during the week end. I don't drink juice, soda, ice cream or alcohol I eat healthy chips and once in a while I may have unhealthy chips. unless I am at a party or hanging out with someone and that almost never happens more than 5 times a year. I don't drink when I am on a date because I want my mind to be clear to see what's in front of me, If I drink it is not a first date .
I have many rules I follow (I won't list them all because most of you will think I am crazy lol)
2025-11-17T16:29:27+01:00
I am tired of men asking me dumb questions to get to know me!
Don't ask me what my favorite color is if you don't have a plan... why are you asking me this? are you getting me flowers? or are you getting me something? don't ask me what my favorite food to eat is if you don't plan on taking me to a restaurant... you're juste wasting my time with needless conversations. Telling me I was going to get you flowers, I was going to take you out is pointless in the words of Nike JUST DO IT!
Don't tell me what your plan is JUST DO IT. I get bored fast, if you want something with me come with a tangible plan because I will be blocking you and stop talking to you in less than 1 month. I have no patience anymore, I have wasted my time enough talking to people I didn't even need to get to know because now they're just strangers to me. I don't ask questions anymore, I let the conversation fall silent. Have a plan and then we can talk. People I know won't do nothing for me don't have their numbers saved in my phone, I am very strict when it comes to love...I have no problem adopting a child and move to the UK with my 2 cats.
2025-11-17T14:51:09+01:00
2025-11-16T23:38:03+01:00
“He pulled me in closer and I almost wished I could take my words back, but I couldn’t because I meant them. He kissed me and I kissed him back not because I love him but because I wish I could.”
2025-11-15T02:41:32+01:00
I can’t date anyone with a crazy ex, I don’t wanna die. A Crazy ex who’s delusional about a man that I am dating or married to is never safe, I will gladly leave him to her. I am not fighting any girl for a man, you can have him. I am not going to end up in a casket for no man. I’ve seen way too many crime of passion to let a man with a bunch of obsessed girls after him ruin me.
2025-11-14T18:46:50+01:00
There's a huge difference between believing in female empowerment and feminism. I used to be a feminist, I used to love hearing Emma Watson talk about what feminism means when I was in high school. Little by little I started believing in equal pay (which I think that one is fair, if I am doing the same job a man does, I should be considered for my experience and level of education and not for my gender) I used to believe in the saying my body my choice (this one is controversial if a woman chooses to wear short and revealing clothing and God Forbid she get raped I do believe she should have protected herself better and no she's not responsible for the rape because men should have control over their lust but she should have covered herself not to enticed sexual desires from the wrong people, I do believe I can wear whatever I want for my husband and not for the public to gawk at my body) saying things like I can dress however I want, have sex with as many men as I want, have an abortion if I want, drink and party however I want because I control the narrative and have the power over my body is laughable because if you're doing all of this your reputation will take a hit. You mean to tell me as a woman you don't care about what others think of you? well you might not care for a moment but when it's time to get married or time to get a reputable job then you will care. A woman cannot replace a man, I used to believe a woman could do everything a man does! but boy was I wrong. No a woman cannot do everything a man does because men and women think differently, act differently, feel differently. A man can sleep with 2 girls and be okay but a woman can sleep with 2 men and not feel okay... I don't believe it is okay for woman to raise a child by herself just like I don't think it is okay for a men to raise a child by himself, a child need guidance from both parents. I don't think it's fair for a woman to not want children solely because she hates the fact that only woman have to suffer to have a baby during childbirth, get over yourself life is tough! being able to have the ability of carrying a child and giving birth is powerful! if a woman doesn't want kids because she simply doesn't want that responsibility or their health doesn't allow it then that's perfectly fine. I don't believe all woman should have kids, some women definitely should not have kids because they are not fit for that but if you are fit to be a mother, responsible, healthy, have the financial means for it then why not??
As a woman I do believe we should respect ourselves before we look onto others to respect us. I do believe in dressing modestly and not having to feel uncomfortable because my dress is too short. I love to feel like I am dressed for any occasion, oh I gotta go to court, a wedding, a meeting perfect I am ready... for the gym I always wear a big shirt over my shorts I hate when men gawk at my curves. It is okay to take care of your body for yourself and for your health but acting selfish is not okay. You are allowed and you should say no if you don't want to have sex with someone.
women empowerment to me is being able to walk into a room and being respected for the person you are, being responsible and being educated. Being able to thrive in life because of all the decision you made to have a better future, I love seeing women in the gym working out out and lifting weights, I love seeing women supporting one another and standing up for the ones who can't fight for themselves, I love seeing women taking accountability, women protecting children, a woman with abs!, women working hard to have a great life...all of that to me is female empowerment and not a woman in skimpy clothing parading her body around to only be sexualize by men. On that note, I hate when men see women as just a piece of ass, what about all of my accomplishments? my dedication? my hard work? my work ethic doesn't any of that mean anything to you? or am I only good for sex?. I love women who stands up for themselves in a toxic relationship because I don't believe a man has the right to mistreat a woman in any way just like a woman doesn't have the right to mistreat a man.
Yes, I do believe woman should be protected and sometimes a man might be the protector and other times the man can be the one we're running away from.
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