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The older I get the more avoidant I become; I've always been an avoidant but the types have changed drastically. when I was in my early 20's which is when I can fully remember my display of attachment. I used to be a little clingy almost hot and cold. I would want closeness but fear it at the same time so I would run away with the fear of being rejected.
this is how I used to be: Fearful avoidant
1. Fear of Intimacy and Abandonment
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Wants emotional closeness but fears being hurt or rejected
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Intimacy feels unsafe, yet distance feels painful
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Constant inner conflict: “I need you” vs. “I can’t trust you”
2. Push–Pull Relationship Patterns
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Pursues connection, then suddenly withdraws
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Alternates between craving reassurance and needing space
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May sabotage relationships when they start to feel secure
3. Emotional Intensity & Instability
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Strong emotional reactions
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Mood shifts quickly based on relationship cues
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Highly sensitive to perceived rejection or criticism
4. Negative View of Self and Others
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Feels unworthy of love (anxious side)
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Believes others will hurt, abandon, or control them (avoidant side)
5. Hypervigilance to Threats
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Constantly scans for signs of rejection
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Overanalyzes texts, tone, and behavior
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Small triggers can cause big emotional responses
6. Difficulty Regulating Emotions
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Struggles to self-soothe
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May become overwhelmed or shut down (especially after I tried to be vulnerable)
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Can alternate between emotional flooding and numbness (I used to be oh I want love, I want it now to I hate men leave me alone)
7. Inconsistent Communication
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May overshare emotions, then regret it and pull away
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Avoids direct needs but resents unmet expectations
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Can appear confusing or unpredictable to partners
8. Trauma or Chaotic Early Relationships
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Often linked to childhood neglect, abuse, or inconsistent caregiving
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Caregivers were both a source of comfort and fear
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Deep longing for connection
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Fear of commitment and fear of being alone
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Tends to attract or be attracted to emotionally unavailable partners
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Cycles of intense closeness followed by distance
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Deep emotional capacity
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High empathy and intuition
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Passionate and caring when feeling safe
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Self-sabotage in relationships
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Difficulty trusting safety and stability
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High emotional exhaustion for both self and partners
well now because I struggle so much with love and intimacy I have a dismissive avoidant attachment. I dismiss love entirely, I may not say it but actions prove it.
1. Strong Emphasis on Independence
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Highly values autonomy and self-reliance
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Discomfort with depending on others or being depended on
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Prefers “I’ve got this” mindset
2. Emotional Distance
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Difficulty expressing emotions, especially vulnerable ones
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Appears calm or unaffected during emotional situations (my heart could be breaking and I would have a stone face)
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Tends to intellectualize feelings rather than feel them (I haven't felt anything in years! lol I do struggle to cry or feel deep emotional pain but out of nowhere I get a flood of emotions at the worse possible location or circumstances)
3. Discomfort with Intimacy
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Feels overwhelmed or trapped by too much closeness
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Pulls away when relationships become emotionally deep
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May avoid serious commitment or long-term planning (I mostly look for anything casual because deep relationship might be too much for me to handle)
4. Deactivating Strategies
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Suppresses attachment needs (“I don’t need anyone”)
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Minimizes problems in relationships
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Focuses on flaws in partners to justify distance
5. High Self-Esteem, Low Trust in Others
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Generally positive self-view
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Assumes others are unreliable, needy, or intrusive
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Hesitant to ask for help
6. Conflict Avoidance
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Withdraws during emotional conflict
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Shuts down, goes silent, or becomes dismissive
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Prefers space over discussion
7. Limited Emotional Awareness
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Struggles to identify or name emotions
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May seem emotionally flat or detached
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Often unaware of their own attachment needs
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Appears charming, confident, and low-maintenance early on
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Loses interest when emotional demands increase
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Needs significant personal space
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May end relationships abruptly
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Caregivers who were emotionally unavailable, rejecting, or overly focused on independence
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Early learning that expressing needs led to disappointment
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Self-sufficient and resilient
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Handles stress independently
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Comfortable being alone
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Logical and composed under pressure
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Difficulty forming deep emotional bonds
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Partners may feel shut out or unimportant
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Unmet emotional needs can surface as burnout, loneliness, or sudden detachment
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