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2025-07-28T15:54:09+02:00

leaning to a more secure attachment

Publié par Gaelle.R

upon my research I came to the realization that I have fearful avoidant attachment style. As I am aging I can see a ton of progress in my attachment style compare to when I was younger or even recently in my early 20's I can see how my fearful avoidant attachment style was more pronounced but now I can see that I am getting more secure.

I used to have low self esteem, I didn't think anyone could love me or that I deserved love. I didn't think I was beautiful, I didn't think any man could ever love me... shocking? I promise to be completely transparent with all of you in my growth journey. I couldn't take pictures with anyone because I didn't think I was pretty next to them... I had really low self esteem. I still don't like pictures because I think I look more beautiful in real life but before I used to think I was ugly both in pictures and in real life. Deep down I knew I was beautiful but my insecurities wouldn't let me see my beauty at all. 

My progress to a more secure attachment 

  • Now I can see how beautiful I am both inside and out.
  • I am aware of when someone is not good for me and I say " eww I deserve better" and I do walk away.
  • I am starting to believe even if I break up with someone or lose a deep connection I can have another great connection with someone else because I am amazing and genuine.
  • I do believe that some people love me and that I deserve love.
  • I forgive  myself more for my past mistakes (I used t be so hard on myself)
  • I do believe I look Good next to my crush because I am beautiful.
  • I don't take every criticism to heart. I listen and take what I need to work on instead of thinking it's an attack towards my character.
  • I stop comparing my body or myself to anyone. I love my body the way it is and I appreciate other people's bodies for the way they are. I admire them without comparing myself to them.
  • I can identify an insult or disrespect and a good criticism because I used to take people's insult and believe that I am not making much progress but I can see people's bad energy and smile without taking it personally. After all it is just an opinion and I don't have to take it to heart.

still a work in progress but there's been huge improvement

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2025-07-28T14:25:37+02:00

mental health

Publié par Gaelle.R

Yesterday I briefly touched on my mental health state and I did say that I feel sad from time to time. I don't want it to seem as if I am depressed and down in the dumps because I am not. I couldn't be because I don't feel any real emotions and that's the problem. I can't tell you if I am sad, angry or happy, that's been happening after my dad died. I am just living, does anyone else feel this way? 

Honestly I would feel joy if I can feel sadness I know it's weird but something deep inside my bones is telling me "hey something is not right here, maybe you're sad? " I am sad but I can't feel it as I used to. In the past I would cry myself to sleep, or cry in between task to release the tension. Now I know I am sad when I don't want to leave the gym, I push myself wayyyy past what I am capable of to the point where when I get home I just fall right to sleep.

 

Am I sad? the answer is maybe

but am I depressed? I don't think so

* I need to go to a rage room

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2025-07-27T22:45:11+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

One thing I love about myself is how self conscious I am. I am very in tune with my emotions, I know when I need time away from certain things and I know when I need to surround myself with people. I can chose to not listen to what my conscious is telling me especially if I feel weak, I may not reach out to people even if I know that I should talk to someone. I have done this more times than I can count. I have had 100s depressive episodes in my life this is not new to me. I’ve been depressed my whole life. I know how to hide it, how to fake it and how to actually let myself feel the sadness. I am not even sure how I feel right now. I am not sad but I am not happy either, I feel numb. I read somewhere feeling numb is your body’s way of shutting down because you feel way too much all at once. I Have been feeling numb since last year, actually since my dad died. I still can’t feel much. I don’t know if I’m sad, mad or happy. Who knows?

 

 

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2025-07-27T21:50:49+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

I am not having a depressive episode but I do feel sad. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it’s my period even if I don’t have it lol, maybe it’s my past mistakes, maybe I miss my mom, maybe I miss my dad. Maybe I feel alone even if physically I’m not. I have a lot to smile about but here and there I do feel sad. I sleep a lot, I haven’t cried… but deep inside I am sad.  (I don’t want to hide anymore) I journal about my feelings but lately I have been avoiding the deep seated feelings because I am afraid that I will get sad. The only way out is through and I have to get through this. 

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2025-07-27T01:27:55+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

A nice body can only take you so far. 

 

I will use Andreina from love island as an example, yes I am still not done talking about that show. 
 

 

When this girl walked in every man’s jaw was on the floor, she looked stunning. I mean ass and titties bouncing, the face card could never decline. Immediately Jeremiah wanted to pursue her and she said “I will take your man” straight into the camera because she came in single as a bombshell so her job is to start a connection with someone else who’s already in a couple. She started talking to Jeremiah but then the boys voted Jeremiah off, so then he left. Andreina coupled up with Bryan at Casa amor, Bryan said Andreina is boring! 

She looks stunning but where’s the personality? You can look soooo beautiful yet no man wants to be with you because your personality is trash and you’re too obsessed with your looks! Her downfall was crazy ! She was so popular when she came in! I mean all the boys wanted her to then come to see no one cared much about her after they all saw how boring she was. Ladies get a hobby, learn something new. Don’t be boring let your personalities shine and the right man will come and find you. 

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2025-07-26T20:33:44+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

You may be wondering why do I talk about my luteal phase or my period every month? Didn’t I always have it? I did but when I started working out it became a huge inconvenience for me because I can’t lift heavy or perform to my highest level. That is why I talk about it because I know even before my period shows up that it’s coming, the moment I set myself up to lift my 120 lbs deadlift and I have to go back down to 60lbs that oh shoot the unthinkable is lurking. Now that my period is over and we can breathe let’s meet again at the end of next month. Thank God my period only last 3 days because I would crash out even more. At the moment my face is dull, I had an awful headache… my face is breaking out ugh to be a woman 

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2025-07-23T17:17:17+02:00

luteal phase

Publié par Gaelle.R

ugh I am going through it... I know I bring this up every month but I just feel like I am dying today. Some months are worse than others, I am exhausted and moody. I had an early morning work out before work, it was okay. But now I have cramps, I hate everything and everyone. I don't want anyone to breathe near me lol if I talk to you today just know I love you. The only people I talk to daily is my mom and my bestie (besides they will haunt me down if I don't pick up the phone) 

I know when I am going through a luteal phase because I am exhausted. everything makes me sad, even if I see a cat by itself on the street I start crying because I can't take him with me. I am super sensitive during that time so I stay away from toxic people. I am really quiet too around that time, I just need my bed, a cup of tea, my cats, a great movie or a book.

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2025-07-23T00:16:02+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

My advice for  you and I ? 

 

Whatever you do in this life matters. Move with intentions. Be honest about your actions. If you can avoid trouble avoid it. Don’t talk bad about anyone, don’t wish bad on anyone because that can come back to you. Don’t play with people’s emotions, don’t wake someone’s love to only run away. If you’re not ready for love leave it alone. If you’re not ready for a kid then don’t engage in activities that will give you one. Stay quiet when you have nothing good to say. Surround yourself with people who genuinely make you happy. Stay away from toxic people, don’t hold on to anything that’s breaking you. Walk away from anyone who’s not good for you and do nothing, just wish them well. Move in silence, don’t announce it and don’t let it be loud. Smile everyday because you have a reason to smile, you are healthy, you have a place to stay, a job to provide for yourself,  food to eat basically that’s all that matters. Never let anyone take your happiness away, let them lose you before you lose yourself. Love freely but careful because soul suckers are always around when you’re genuine. 

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2025-07-22T13:29:26+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R

 

I don’t know if it’s healing or dissociating but I’m uninterested in everyone and a lot of things. I don’t care what anybody else is doing… I have a pretty tight schedule. I work out 6 days a week all I’m thinking about is food, protein powder, what work out day this is, drinking 64 oz of water get 1000 steps a day, pray and do daily text, journal, sleep 7-8 hours, cooking and meal

Prepping. I’m always doing something unless I take a day off to chill I don’t have time for any nonsense.

 

I thrive on a routine, discipline and a plan. I don’t care much to be known I just want to be at peace with myself.

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