No bread will ever be baked from this dough

2025-08-25T21:20:47+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 25 Août 2025 à 09:20 PM

things I hate when people do:

Using your past traumas to explain to me why you are the way you are to excuse a bad behavior: example "oh my parents never hugged me when I was a child so that's why I am so rude and mean to strangers". No your behavior is your choice you can chose to be a good person even if the environment you grew up in was toxic. You don't have to be a bad person because the people around you were doing bad things, you don't have to treat women poorly or cheat because your dad cheated on your mom. You can be better, you can be the exception. Telling me your past traumas is great because it shows that you trust me but telling me that as a way to justify your bad behavior will never be something I agree with. I have my own past traumas and I am actively working through them. I admit that I am not an easy individual and I have some traits or behaviors that I need to change but I will never lean on my past traumas as a way to get a pass from being toxic. No ma'am. Take the time and work on yourself so that your future generation doesn't have to suffer.
People who kiss and tell, I could never date or be friends with anyone with a big mouth. I am a very private person, what we do behind closed door is between us, what we discuss among us is between us if I hear something in somebody else's mouth I'll know exactly who said it because I don't tell people my business at all. Some people claim me as their "best friend" yet they have no idea who I am. I normally tell these people no we are not best friends, If I let you call me your best friend then I trust you, at least 20%.
people who hug me without my consent. Some days I don't like being touched at all even if I love you I still need some space. Don't automatically assume that I want to be held. Trust me, you will know when I want a hug. My face, my demeanor will be inviting. I may have my period, I may be in a bad mood, I may also be angry because of my period, or sad because of my period yes my period ruin everything thank God It only last 3 days because I would die.
if you send me a friend request and I delete it don't send it again. I saw it the first time and no! I do not want to follow you or want you to follow me so there's no need to keep sending friend requests each time I delete them because I will block you next.

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2025-08-25T15:28:23+02:00

reflecting back

Publié par Gaelle.R 25 Août 2025 à 03:28 PM

In 2021-2022 I was extremely depressed, I would cry daily and I felt so alone. I genuinely did not want to live, every day was a struggle. I didn't have any great friend I could turn to all the time, I had a few people I could talk to here and there but I didn't feel that they cared enough to hear me talk about my depressive episodes daily. I would hide how I felt and pretended that I was okay. But deep down I was far from okay. During that time, I wanted to lose weight because I felt soooo overweight. My weight also made me even more depressed, people would say no you look good but I wouldn't feel it.

During that time I used to visualize myself working out in the gym and running on a treadmill. I would see myself being happy at the gym but I didn't feel ready to go work out yet. I was extremely shy and insecure, I didn't see myself working out in front of people. I didn't even know what to do or where to start! but daily I would close my eyes and visualize myself at the gym. I never thought I would be where I am now! looking amazing and feeling great. Yes I get sad here and there but compare back to those years I am happier. I also cannot cry daily anymore maybe it's the anti depressant I am on that represses any sad emotions. I am not ashamed to admit that I am on a serotonin inhibitor or anti depressant because if I didn't seek help I genuinely believe that I would've off myself a long time ago. I even wrote a goodbye letter! gosh I feel like crying just thinking about it (I would listen to the song by Billie Eilish Listen before I go and I would think about off'ing myself)

Yes I did a complete 180 and turned my life around. I started working out in 2024 last year and my body has changed tremendously! I feel amazing and I am obsessed with building muscles and eating protein. I am not in love with any men because anytime I have a crush on a guy I get sad because I realize I am falling for someone again and I hate the person that I become when I like a guy. I am healing that part of myself especially the abandonment issue part... I appreciate men but I still don't trust or believe anything they tell me. If I wasn't a christian I would date girls.

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2025-08-25T04:14:31+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 25 Août 2025 à 04:14 AM

“On the days when no one is there to take your call, I hope you know that you matter.

On the days when you get quiet, I hope you know that one day someone will fall in love with your voice.

On the days when you feel your loneliest, I hope you know there are great people dying to meet you. “

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2025-08-22T15:24:18+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 22 Août 2025 à 03:24 PM

Not too long ago I wrote an article about how well I was doing with my phone usage and how well I was battling my phone addiction. well looks like I spoke too soon because I am scrolling mindlessly on Instagram again. when I am doing good in a particular area in my life I don't like to mention it because suddenly my brain remembers my old bad habits then I mess it all up by going back to my old ways...

well this time I am really considering getting rid of my iphone for a flip phone lol. it may come to a shock to some of you but I didn't have a cell phone in high school in the US from grade 10-11 and because I didn't have a phone I was extremely focused! I learned decent English in 1 summer by the time I went to school my esl teacher was impressed she said wow you're almost ready to leave my class. I was ready by next year but I didn't leave because I loved her lol. I was reading 2 books a week! sometimes 3 if the books were less than 400 pages. I want to get back to being a nerd and just being laser focus because now scrolling on tiktok or instagram is messing up my attention span. I am forgetting words, my vocabulary is becoming less and less impressive. I need to read move, I am starting with 10 pages a day just to not overwhelm myself. Now I just need to put the phone down.

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2025-08-18T14:40:05+02:00

The use of Chat GPT or Ai Chats

Publié par Gaelle.R 18 Août 2025 à 02:40 PM

As you all know Ai has been taking over our lives and a lot of people are relying on them for everything. Some people consider these Ai features as their own personal friends and even boyfriends which is scary!

I enjoy those features especially when I am counting my calories and macros as well as calculating an estimate for my luteal phase and periods. I also use those chats sometimes to create a work out when I am on a time crunch for example I would say " create an hour back exercise gym friendly" or give me an high protein recipe (that's how I talk to it because they are literal robots and they do not have feelings) it becomes scary when people are treating those chats as their psychologist or boyfriend. Robots cannot replace humans interaction and they cannot feel any emotions. If you need help especially psychologically I would suggest reaching out to someone and not Chat Gpt, for some reason those chats are lenient and they always tell you that all of your emotions are valid but no some of your emotions are unnecessary and you need to move on, someone need to tell you that. Talking to chat Gpt after a break up will not help you move on, talk to someone. Yes a chat can give you tips, suggestions but the real deal is to talk to someone not a robot.

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2025-08-13T15:05:43+02:00

update

Publié par Gaelle.R 13 Août 2025 à 03:05 PM

Hey guys,

I am sorry for not being active on here! I feel ashamed to admit but I actually don't feel inspired those past few weeks. Am I experiencing writers block? I think so but don't get it twisted I still journal daily and post pictures sometimes with commentary on my visual blog.

what's going on?

I am adjusting to new routine and I am trying to fit in blogging because my day goes: wake up. daily text and pray. shower. Gym. or get ready for work on the days when I don't work out. work. 10k steps. drink water. eat. meal prep Sundays. read 10 pages a day. sleep 8 hours. prepare meetings. cool down... I promise you there's not enough time during the day to do everything I want to do. Plus I started scrolling mindlessly on Instagram for the past month ugh kill me now. At times I have to shut off my phone to stay off of it. I think I am stressed that's why I scroll so much on social media, I am chronically online if something happened in the last 48 hours best believe I saw it lol. I hate being this connected with everything because my mental health normally declines when I stay online too much. I promise to stop, I have a phase like this every year and then I stop being on my phone.

My cats are doing great they are getting muscular lol I think they are taking creatinine lol they need to give me some muscles! they are boys I guess it comes naturally lol. Archie is turning 5 this year and pixie just turned 3 years old! my babies are growing but they will always be my babies.

the gym is going great I work out 6 days a week now which means more laundry to be done, I need more food, I need more water... at first it was tough but I realize I cannot give 100% daily some days I give 90% other days I give 50% or 40% but consistency is key. I just need to show and to do the work, I may not be as energized day after day but I can still do less challenging work outs. The goal is to stay active and to build muscle :)

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2025-08-01T16:00:41+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 1 Août 2025 à 04:00 PM

Finding out that I have a dismissive avoidant attachment style yesterday really open up my eyes and to really see where I need healing. To heal a wound you need to see where it is to take care of it, if you don't see it you won't be able to know or begin the healing process properly. I did not want to believe it because I think that I am nice and caring to be honest I don't think I am dismissive of other people's feeling or do I?, but 2 things can be true at once. Yes I am nice and caring but I can be dismissive of my own feelings and emotions, because I am not in tune with my own emotions therefore st times, not always I don't really validate other people's feeling. I may listen to you vent about your struggles but do I validate your pain? at times I find other people's pain to be exaggerated but it is not my place to think that.

I grew up in a household where no one talked about their feelings or emotions, hard work was celebrated and speaking about mental health was taboo. Once I told my mom I was depressed she told me to eat and changed th subject lol... I don't blame her because she herself grew up in the same environment I grew up in and our feelings were never fully validated. Half the time I don't know how I am feeling until I write in my journal, I can't cry easily I need to schedule a crying session each month lol, I don't do well with being vulnerable with people I just met or know my entire life. I am not cold because I am not emotional, I was taught being emotional was an inconvenience and that I have to be strong so I bottle up everything in. I am not running away from love because I don't want it, I am running because love has never been fair to me. All I've known is unrequitted love and rejection so therefore I run away from it. But no more because I need to heal.

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2025-07-30T14:52:53+02:00

How to build your self-esteem

Publié par Gaelle.R 30 Juillet 2025 à 02:52 PM

we were born confident and happy until we got a taste of the real world then everything change. Some of us became evil, some stayed good, some with low self esteem and others with high self esteem. There's no straight line when it comes to our personalities and emotions; it's all a mixture of highs and lows but we can find a common ground.

I used to have very low self esteem, it started when a group of mean girls secluded me out of their gang lol I was 6 years old. They made fun of me and they hated me because I was friends with the boys. They had crushes on some of the boys and those boys were my closed friends so they would use me wen they needed to pass a message to the boy that they liked. I started thinking that they wanted to be my friend too but boy was I wrong! that situation made me depressed because I used to overthink why they wouldn't like me (that wasn't my fault but it really took a toll on my confidence) after that experience I never wanted to be close friends with more than 2 girls. well enough about my sad childhood let's dive into why we're really here.

How to build self esteem:

you have to start by distancing yourself from anyone who's making you feel small or criticizing your progress. You have to stay away from toxic friends, family or anyone. once you start working on yourself be prepared to hear "oh so you think you're better than us" because people are so used to the broken version of you so when you are trying to build yourself people will take offense to that.
also start by praying, ask God for confidence and self-esteem, trust me he will provide them to you.
find something you're good at, whether it's writing, drawing, music, makeup, nails, decorating. Find your God's given gift and work on it daily, this is a way for you to get better. The more you see yourself improving the more your self esteem will rise.
watch what you eat. Don't eat just to eat, stay away from too much fast foods, fried food, pastries or bake goods. Don't eat at night for your gut's health.
if you're a black girl wear your hair out more often because it will build your confidence. Hiding your hair will make it harder to get used to it when you do wear it out. The goal is to be comfortable in your own skin and not feel as though you need anything to feel complete.
don't wear makeup daily, have days where you are all natural.
keep your nails done.
work out, most important lift weights trust me your confidence will be through the roof when you lift weights.

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2025-07-28T15:54:09+02:00

leaning to a more secure attachment

Publié par Gaelle.R 28 Juillet 2025 à 03:54 PM

upon my research I came to the realization that I have fearful avoidant attachment style. As I am aging I can see a ton of progress in my attachment style compare to when I was younger or even recently in my early 20's I can see how my fearful avoidant attachment style was more pronounced but now I can see that I am getting more secure.

I used to have low self esteem, I didn't think anyone could love me or that I deserved love. I didn't think I was beautiful, I didn't think any man could ever love me... shocking? I promise to be completely transparent with all of you in my growth journey. I couldn't take pictures with anyone because I didn't think I was pretty next to them... I had really low self esteem. I still don't like pictures because I think I look more beautiful in real life but before I used to think I was ugly both in pictures and in real life. Deep down I knew I was beautiful but my insecurities wouldn't let me see my beauty at all.

My progress to a more secure attachment

Now I can see how beautiful I am both inside and out.
I am aware of when someone is not good for me and I say " eww I deserve better" and I do walk away.
I am starting to believe even if I break up with someone or lose a deep connection I can have another great connection with someone else because I am amazing and genuine.
I do believe that some people love me and that I deserve love.
I forgive myself more for my past mistakes (I used t be so hard on myself)
I do believe I look Good next to my crush because I am beautiful.
I don't take every criticism to heart. I listen and take what I need to work on instead of thinking it's an attack towards my character.
I stop comparing my body or myself to anyone. I love my body the way it is and I appreciate other people's bodies for the way they are. I admire them without comparing myself to them.
I can identify an insult or disrespect and a good criticism because I used to take people's insult and believe that I am not making much progress but I can see people's bad energy and smile without taking it personally. After all it is just an opinion and I don't have to take it to heart.

still a work in progress but there's been huge improvement

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2025-07-28T14:25:37+02:00

mental health

Publié par Gaelle.R 28 Juillet 2025 à 02:25 PM

Yesterday I briefly touched on my mental health state and I did say that I feel sad from time to time. I don't want it to seem as if I am depressed and down in the dumps because I am not. I couldn't be because I don't feel any real emotions and that's the problem. I can't tell you if I am sad, angry or happy, that's been happening after my dad died. I am just living, does anyone else feel this way?

Honestly I would feel joy if I can feel sadness I know it's weird but something deep inside my bones is telling me "hey something is not right here, maybe you're sad? " I am sad but I can't feel it as I used to. In the past I would cry myself to sleep, or cry in between task to release the tension. Now I know I am sad when I don't want to leave the gym, I push myself wayyyy past what I am capable of to the point where when I get home I just fall right to sleep.

Am I sad? the answer is maybe

but am I depressed? I don't think so

* I need to go to a rage room

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