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Hello,
It's been a while that I have been wanting to come here to let some of my frustrations out but I had too much emotions flowing inside of me so I stayed to myself not wanting to get it a out the wrong way. Not that there is a right way to let something that's eating you inside out but me being myself I always think about the right way to do things even when It doesn't apply. Recently I've gotten a news about a member in my family someone who is like my father...and it kills me inside to know that he is going through that. The fact that he is trying to be strong and not letting other people in the family know about it simply because he doesn't want to make them worry about him. He didn't tell me about his condition, someone else told me and when the person did I was crushed. Knowing that his health condition is really bad besides old age had me thinking about how unfair life is. I love him so much and he was always good to me, I cannot believe that all of this is happening to him. The fact that I am not near him and that I barely talk to him kills me. When he talks to me I believe I sounded like I don't really care but really I am dying inside knowing a secret that he would never tell me. I pretend like everything is like before but I know everything and I know that things will never go back to the way they were. Not now and not soon enough. I miss being a kid, not caring about all the things that I worry about now. All I worry about when I was a kid was food, being with my mom because I am terribly attached to her, my dolls...basically but now I have to worry about school, work, providing food for myself because I am the one responsible for myself, providing all the necessary things a girl needs because I work to take care of myself no one else is helping me. They can help me... I am not alone if I need help I will get it but I don't like asking so I work hard I like getting my own stuff. When I was talking about being independent That's what I was talking about working hard to provide for yourself. I take care of all my bills, I pay for my classes (not all of them ) I pay for all the things I own and I am proud to say all that. No one is giving me anything which is why I have to work so hard. So the next time you see me tired, almost depressed just know that I am going through a lot right now. And I work hard to be where I am... I have to start somewhere.
Soon enough I will move out well more like in 2 weeks and I'll be officially on my own. Technically I am on my own but because I don't pay for where I sleep so that was one less bill but now I am going to be paying for rent so that's one more bill. I am thinking about all this...Family problems, me moving on my own... Then I started to see how growing up doesn't really take much. Everything happens when you're ready. Not too long ago I was a kid and I didn't have to worry about a thing except for my grades that was when I was in high school. Now being a college student I am thinking about a career possibility It's a lot of work and I don't mind the work but I would rather do something I am passionate about or know about rather then learning about a totally new subject. I love writing I just wish it was easy to be successful without going to college...I love learning but college is way too much and It cost a lot of money for me to screw things up. Just thinking about all that...
