No bread will ever be baked from this dough

2017-07-16T19:56:47+02:00

truth is

Publié par Gaelle.R 16 Juillet 2017 à 07:56 PM

Helloooo

It's been a while...I've been busy learning, reading, driving that's right I drive now Lol anyways enough about me...How are you doing? well me I am good. What am I going to talk about today? well I don't wanna talk about guys, relationship or whatever but I have one thing to clarify.

In the past I had a strong opinion about being single and happy not letting anyone in...I have came to realize that It is okay to let someone in. It is okay to like someone I am still holding back on the idea of truly loving someone but at least now I can see someone that I truly LIKE and admit it. Before I would say no to anything that had to do with love but that's not the way to go because love will always be there and we all need it. Truth is you are going to love someone and you are going to get hurt in some ways you never imagine you could because with love comes sadness. It's okay if the love is strong but what you can do is choose where and when you don't want to get hurt. For example: if you like a guy and you see that he has a girlfriend or talk to a lot of girls while he says that he is single...well then I got one thing to tell you run like the devil is chasing you and never look back...stop with the idea of changing a guy because it will never work. You may think he is changed but his old ways will still remain (my cousin told me that). You may think that he won't find someone better and that he will always stay by your side well baby girl that's where you went wrong because he does not need someone better he just need someone who can give him what he wants. Never be the girl who give a guy what he wants without getting back in return ...like what do you get out of all this? why can't you be happy while he's happy. Being happy around a guy should not be a problem it should be the best thing it should be a problem to him if you are not happy. Some guy thinks that if a girl is happy that means they know what they want and that they are hard to get...that's not it being happy has nothing with playing hard to get it's about knowing where you belong and what you deserve and not letting people walk all over you and change you.

Now I am not about to sit here and say I have not made mistakes in a relationship I have and I think we all because that's how we learn... But you will need to move on just like I did it may take a while but everything takes time so let it be. You will heal in due time. Don't rush the healing process which means don't rush into a new relationship because of a breakup because you will end up missing the person more when you realize that the person you are with now is nothing like the person you were with before. You just need to slow down and be by yourself ain't nothing wrong with staying by yourself because you will learn more about yourself the way you should before you go head over heals for someone who knows nothing about you. When you know yourself you will know when someone know nothing about you because you will realize that you wouldn't do to yourself what that person is doing to you.

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2017-07-06T03:45:53+02:00

explanation?

Publié par Gaelle.R 6 Juillet 2017 à 03:45 AM

Hi there,

So my blog took a whole new level... recently I wrote a poem called "confession of a mistreated woman, wife, girlfriend and a girl in process" and It's about loving someone who is somewhat abusive and some of you may wonder where that came from. If you really know me then you would probably be shocked that I wrote something like that I admit that I don't know how to express my feelings well when I am speaking...I write that's my talent well at least I like to think of it that way I don't care what other people think... So basically my poem came from a place that I never thought I had so is all the things I wrote through inspiration, maybe it was because of a song I am not sure. I have never been with someone who was abusive at least I wasn't in a relationship with anyone like that... I met some people who were like that but we were not involved in anything I would hear things, see things and that day when I wrote the poem all of the things I heard,see came to mind. It was painful to write about it and I can never read it out loud. Some people would ask me to read my poems out loud which is the best part as anyone would think because I wrote it but I can't read it. I am not ready to read some of my work out loud to people and I would decline the offer so this is why... First of all I would read it to myself as I write but it's not the same thing reading it to someone else.

Reason why I can't read some of my work is only because it's too personal and it would sound familiar and I am going to sound like I am going through what I wrote. Some people don't know how my mind works and they might take what I wrote to the extreme and I am not going to freak out because I love a reaction. It would be boring if the person just hear me and be like "oh ok that was nice " No I want you to look at me and wonder who is this girl ? what happen to the girl I used to know because when I write I am not the same as long as you understand the difference between "my writing self and speaking self" we are good. Reasons why my poems are not the happiest kind they come from a dark place a place that I am always trying to escape from so why would read out loud and live the same thing I am trying to run away from over again. Even If I was not going through it I am just not ready to take it this far yet maybe one day I will be comfortable but for now...

So as of now I am going to include some story time here where I am going to talk about something in my life...It might not be that interesting but it's an experiment for me and I need to explore that side for now... I hope you all are having a great summer. Mine is not the way I imagined but I am happy...

have a good night...

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2017-07-03T05:12:27+02:00

confession of a mistreated woman, wife, girlfriend and a girl in process.

Publié par Gaelle.R 3 Juillet 2017 à 05:12 AM

While you sleep , I toss around wide awake thinking of you.

While you laugh, I frown thinking about how I'll never be the reason why you are smiling and laughing like that.

While you don't think about me, I spend seconds, minutes and hours thinking about nothing but you.

While you leave and not come back, I desperately wait for that day when you will chose to come back and stay.

while you go about your day like it's nothing, I make it a big deal when you're there.

While you smile when I'm sad, I cry when I see pain written all over your face.

While the first thing you do in the morning is check your phone, I wake up only to stare at you while you're sleeping.

While you can go on not responding to me and ignoring me, I can never take what you say lightly.

While I talk and you don't listen, I have a special area in my brain for all of the things you ever said to me.

While you're able to look at other females and find them attractive, I only have eyes for you.

While you stay out late, I worry and keep thinking about what you must be doing... Then I cry.

While you up all night looking at all these women on your laptop, I'm in the room looking at pictures of you. Pictures of us.

While you sleep and dream about food, I close my eyes only to see your face once again.

While you were screaming at me telling me how I'll never find another one like you, silently I agree.

forever, in sickness and health until death do us part.

While you're able to look at me straight in the eyes, I am not able to fully keep my head straight talking to you. Anymore.

I can feel your heartbeat...

you can only see my body.

I can feel all your senses when we're so close like this.

You can only hold my hand and grab my...

You don't feel it, You don't see it.

It breaks my heart each time I realize how much you don't see.

Yet I say nothing.

I want you to be happy.

I want you and I to go back to be an us.

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2017-07-03T03:48:58+02:00

Liberated

Publié par Gaelle.R 3 Juillet 2017 à 03:48 AM

One last glance and I could tell I was a goner.

All It took was three words and I was paralyzed.

I never thought this day would come where these words would come out of your mouth.

From the way you are looking at me I can tell that this how you really feel.

I can't tell you to keep it to yourself because you already let it out.

Slowly I turn away as the wind blow in my face,

you're waiting for a reaction...

I am thinking and I know what I say now will determine our future.

I don't want to lose you.

But do I want to have you? I ask myself.

The answer is not coming as fast as I wanted it to.

Timidly I put my head down looking at my feet.

You grab my hands saying "it's okay"

Is it ?

but I can't look at you in the eyes because I would hate to hurt you.

I can imagine all the possible ways you could be looking at me right now as I refuse to look at you.

Then I remember what happened to me a few years back...

and I remember how I felt.

So slowly I turn my face to look at you in the eyes and...

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2017-07-02T05:44:04+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 2 Juillet 2017 à 05:44 AM

I believe the scariest thing a girl could say is " I am done trying"

and there's no more stage to reach after that but the end.

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2017-07-02T05:37:06+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 2 Juillet 2017 à 05:37 AM

I would tell you about the people I know and about how selfish they are.

How even though they knew from the beginning that they weren't going to stay...

yet, they come in and act as if they were.

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2017-07-02T05:36:30+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 2 Juillet 2017 à 05:36 AM

You left yet I can still feel you right next to me.

You stayed away yet you still talk about me

why do you do that?

why don't just stay gone?

why do you have to be there?

why do you have to make me feel like you are always going to be there?

I know that you are just waiting for the right time to leave again.

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2017-07-02T05:30:52+02:00

Publié depuis Eklablog

Publié par Gaelle.R 2 Juillet 2017 à 05:30 AM

what I miss most is how we used to talk in the beginning the way we both were in sync.

the way we would finish each other's sentence and the way we used to look at each other as if it was a promise to meet again to finish that same conversation.

what I miss the most is not the way we argue but the way we used to make up after we argue and the way you used to say sorry after you jokingly hurt my feelings. I would forgive you because I didn't know what else to do and I wanted you so bad.

What I wanted to hold on to was your smile and the way you used to look at me each time I said something funny or each time you wanted to get my attention...

But with time I realize that this can't be... it is not what it seemed and it hurts even though I couldn't admit it out loud. It felt like I was the price and you were just trying to win me over and after that what next?

do you even know?

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2017-07-01T05:13:00+02:00

story time...

Publié par Gaelle.R 1 Juillet 2017 à 05:13 AM

Hey there,

I think changes are a huge part in growing physically and emotionally...

For me my first big change was when I was 15 and I had to move away from home, my mom and leaving my childhood memories behind. But most importantly the biggest issue aside from everything else was moving away from my mother for a few years and not having to see her at all after I lived with her since birth and we were never separated since then. So technically she's always been there for me my whole life before I moved...

It was really hard for me to adapt because I am very very very attached to my mother I couldn't see myself living without her. She was always next to me that I couldn't see myself not being able to see her. I moved to whole new country with new people who I did not know well I was terrified and I couldn't talk to my mom everyday when I moved which I never could understand why but the people I was living with wouldn't allow me to talk to her every day saying it made me sad and nostalgic !! ya think? so I would only speak to her ONE TIME A WEEK !! How crazy? I was really sad and even depressed for a while because that change really took a toll on me and I was not the same after that. My attitude changed, my mood changed and the people I was living with didn't really know me so they couldn't tell the difference. I would lose weight and I was already skinny. I was stressed, my self esteem went down because I would let people mess with my head, emotions and everything else that made me ME. I couldn't understand me anymore because some people have made it so hard for me to even get to know my own self. I was weak and It took a while for me to finally understand life. Then I realize with time that I wasn't able to fully grow because my mom was always there to pick me up every time I fall. I need her and I will always need her but for me to fully grow I had to fall down and get up on my own. I had to learn to live without her because let's face it she is not always going to be there for me. I had to live on my own even though I thought I was not ready but really I would have to learn one day. I would have to learn the way to life...It is not easy I had to learn the struggle on my own. Heart break, pain, deception and learning to accept myself the way I am...I had to learn all this on my own. She is not able to teach me about heartbreak because she would never break my heart but someone else had to do that and I had to be alone to learn how to be strong to move on. I had to tough it up and live on my own because I had it soft for a long time. At first living without her felt like being left out in the wilderness alone like I was by myself in a world full of scary things that I did not know about.

She was always the first person I would go to when I am sad, crying or feeling down and she would instantly sense it and make me feel better. I feel like she is the only person who really know me and I couldn't accept the distance between us for a while. She's the most patient human being I know, she is so kind, humble, beautiful inside and out and such a lovely soul that I can't understand why someone would want to hurt her. She is nurturing by nature and I always want to protect her because i would hate for someone to take her kindness for granted because she deserve so much more, I am nothing next to her... she made me and If I get to be half of who she is I would forever thank the Lord. she's the first person who told me what true beauty was in multiple ways one of them was my inner feelings...meaning the way you feel about yourself. She always told me if you feel good you will look good and kept that with me my whole life.

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2017-06-26T04:53:01+02:00

If I was a boy

Publié par Gaelle.R 26 Juin 2017 à 04:53 AM

If I was a boy after I live my life as a girl... I would be different and It would show. I know that saying "all guys are not the same" but to me they can act the same way so how would I know one of them is different?. All of them want to control and constantly take, forgetting what a girl needs. All they want is to satisfy themselves and after that they will be asking the girl what they want... That's how I see it and maybe someday I will meet a guy that can show me something different but for now I am just going to leave this here...

If I was a guy I would listen to the girl not to reply to what she said I would listen to understand and to try to figure out what she is not saying because girls have the tendency to assume that the guy knows what is going on. I know It's our fault for assuming and not say the obvious because boys can be clueless from time to time. A girl can feel more than a guy because a girl is more emotional and they deal with things that come from the heart. Whereas a guy just do things to forget what the heart is telling him to do or needs. He just want to satisfy his desires one way or another. A girl doesn't want to always go around and satisfy their needs rather they want to feel wanted and loved. If I was a guy I wouldn't be afraid to express that love, to tell her exactly how I feel because she will need me to say it otherwise she will never know how I feel no matter all the sacrifices I've already made for her, I still have to tell her how much I love her and how much I need her for her to understand. I will let her know from the beginning what I am trying to do with her. I won't let her overthink...I would always try to make her laugh...spoil her...be there for her and listen, listen and always listen to her.

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