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2017-07-02T05:36:30+02:00
You left yet I can still feel you right next to me.
You stayed away yet you still talk about me
why do you do that?
why don't just stay gone?
why do you have to be there?
why do you have to make me feel like you are always going to be there?
I know that you are just waiting for the right time to leave again.
2017-07-02T05:30:52+02:00
what I miss most is how we used to talk in the beginning the way we both were in sync.
the way we would finish each other's sentence and the way we used to look at each other as if it was a promise to meet again to finish that same conversation.
what I miss the most is not the way we argue but the way we used to make up after we argue and the way you used to say sorry after you jokingly hurt my feelings. I would forgive you because I didn't know what else to do and I wanted you so bad.
What I wanted to hold on to was your smile and the way you used to look at me each time I said something funny or each time you wanted to get my attention...
But with time I realize that this can't be... it is not what it seemed and it hurts even though I couldn't admit it out loud. It felt like I was the price and you were just trying to win me over and after that what next?
do you even know?
2017-07-01T05:13:00+02:00
Hey there,
I think changes are a huge part in growing physically and emotionally...
For me my first big change was when I was 15 and I had to move away from home, my mom and leaving my childhood memories behind. But most importantly the biggest issue aside from everything else was moving away from my mother for a few years and not having to see her at all after I lived with her since birth and we were never separated since then. So technically she's always been there for me my whole life before I moved...
It was really hard for me to adapt because I am very very very attached to my mother I couldn't see myself living without her. She was always next to me that I couldn't see myself not being able to see her. I moved to whole new country with new people who I did not know well I was terrified and I couldn't talk to my mom everyday when I moved which I never could understand why but the people I was living with wouldn't allow me to talk to her every day saying it made me sad and nostalgic !! ya think? so I would only speak to her ONE TIME A WEEK !! How crazy? I was really sad and even depressed for a while because that change really took a toll on me and I was not the same after that. My attitude changed, my mood changed and the people I was living with didn't really know me so they couldn't tell the difference. I would lose weight and I was already skinny. I was stressed, my self esteem went down because I would let people mess with my head, emotions and everything else that made me ME. I couldn't understand me anymore because some people have made it so hard for me to even get to know my own self. I was weak and It took a while for me to finally understand life. Then I realize with time that I wasn't able to fully grow because my mom was always there to pick me up every time I fall. I need her and I will always need her but for me to fully grow I had to fall down and get up on my own. I had to learn to live without her because let's face it she is not always going to be there for me. I had to live on my own even though I thought I was not ready but really I would have to learn one day. I would have to learn the way to life...It is not easy I had to learn the struggle on my own. Heart break, pain, deception and learning to accept myself the way I am...I had to learn all this on my own. She is not able to teach me about heartbreak because she would never break my heart but someone else had to do that and I had to be alone to learn how to be strong to move on. I had to tough it up and live on my own because I had it soft for a long time. At first living without her felt like being left out in the wilderness alone like I was by myself in a world full of scary things that I did not know about.
She was always the first person I would go to when I am sad, crying or feeling down and she would instantly sense it and make me feel better. I feel like she is the only person who really know me and I couldn't accept the distance between us for a while. She's the most patient human being I know, she is so kind, humble, beautiful inside and out and such a lovely soul that I can't understand why someone would want to hurt her. She is nurturing by nature and I always want to protect her because i would hate for someone to take her kindness for granted because she deserve so much more, I am nothing next to her... she made me and If I get to be half of who she is I would forever thank the Lord. she's the first person who told me what true beauty was in multiple ways one of them was my inner feelings...meaning the way you feel about yourself. She always told me if you feel good you will look good and kept that with me my whole life.
2017-06-26T04:53:01+02:00
If I was a boy after I live my life as a girl... I would be different and It would show. I know that saying "all guys are not the same" but to me they can act the same way so how would I know one of them is different?. All of them want to control and constantly take, forgetting what a girl needs. All they want is to satisfy themselves and after that they will be asking the girl what they want... That's how I see it and maybe someday I will meet a guy that can show me something different but for now I am just going to leave this here...
If I was a guy I would listen to the girl not to reply to what she said I would listen to understand and to try to figure out what she is not saying because girls have the tendency to assume that the guy knows what is going on. I know It's our fault for assuming and not say the obvious because boys can be clueless from time to time. A girl can feel more than a guy because a girl is more emotional and they deal with things that come from the heart. Whereas a guy just do things to forget what the heart is telling him to do or needs. He just want to satisfy his desires one way or another. A girl doesn't want to always go around and satisfy their needs rather they want to feel wanted and loved. If I was a guy I wouldn't be afraid to express that love, to tell her exactly how I feel because she will need me to say it otherwise she will never know how I feel no matter all the sacrifices I've already made for her, I still have to tell her how much I love her and how much I need her for her to understand. I will let her know from the beginning what I am trying to do with her. I won't let her overthink...I would always try to make her laugh...spoil her...be there for her and listen, listen and always listen to her.
2017-06-25T22:13:46+02:00
I want to ghost for a while. I started to feel some ways and I think I need a break I can't keep doing this. I need to stay to myself live in the moment, I just want to live my life without recording anything ... I want to stay to myself ...
so if one of these days you don't hear anything or see me just know I went with this plan to take a break from it all.
2017-06-25T17:59:37+02:00
Hi there !
here I am once again...
This morning I figured why not blog? I have been on so many adventures and I definitely need to catch up and tell you about what I've been doing lately. I am happy to say the least and I feel much better about myself and my insecurities I was working on them this whole time. I think Once you've embrace your flaws you become someone new or refreshed. I don't care about other people hate criticism as I did before. I will do what's best for me and what makes me happy. I am not going to feel bad if it makes me happy. Once you let someone control you meaning let them have a say in what you do, you can never change that by always do what they want. Once in a while do what You want to do. Do what makes you happy.I always say that here. Maybe from time to time I didn't do something that would make me happy because I knew it would hurt someone else but...Now I realize that if someone really love you and they want what best for you they will let you do what makes you happy as long as it is safe.
Recently I colored my hair and I am so happy because I did. My mom on the contrary is saying I change my hair way to much blah blah I mean she accept that I colored my hair but I know she would prefer if I didn't but it's too late now. She is not mad at me which makes me realize how much she loves me to the point that she let me do something that makes me happy. And I am thrilled. I have been visiting new places and meeting new and awesome people.
one encounter I had at a restaurant...
our server was a guy and I thought he was very cute. I was so nervous because that's how I get when I don't know how to act omg lol... so my best friend notice so she was like" I see you " as in she gets me lol...so she was like I will ask for his phone number for you I thought she was joking because we make this type of joke but damn ! she was serious and she ask him his phone number for me. But he was like oh (awkward laugh) " I'm sorry I have a girlfriend" RESPECT !!! I was so happy he said that like which guy these days will turn down a phone number from a girl who is not bad looking (me obviously) anyways, He was like I'm taken I was so proud of him. I started thinking about how if in the future I have a son I will raise him to be that way... Be satisfied with what you have.
2017-06-25T17:40:47+02:00
I did everything I could but the feeling of "not being enough for you" still remain.
I try to change a few things when in the process I was losing myself.
But you couldn't see that because you never knew who I was.
How could you possibly know I was turning into someone different?
All the things I did for you never mean anything to you.
It hurts for me to see you living like it didn't matter to you.
Slowly I am realizing that you never saw me the way I saw you.
It took a lot for me to accept it...
In the end It saved me,
You had caviar while you search for chicken wings.
Now you've got exactly what you wanted.
2017-06-18T23:27:18+02:00
Hi there,
today is father's day and I was thinking about my dad a lot today and I realize how much I miss him. I always think about him but on that day I realize how much I wish he was more in my life and how he should be the first one I called to tell good news, I do tell him but after I tell my mom or my best friend. I love my dad dearly because he's done a lot of things for me and I love that he never let me down. He might have believe some things people said about me when my mom denied it because she really knows me. I am not sure if he knows me but I know he loves me and I love him too...
2017-06-17T05:15:26+02:00
Hello,
It's been a while...
But I am here again and I will never leave because this blog is starting to feel like a home to me and so I will always be back. I love to come here and talk about different topics or just to get my feelings out in a way that I find acceptable enough to share. Anyways I don't care what someone might say about my thoughts because they change a lot...but one thing that will never change is the way I see life and the way I see an independent woman.
To me an Independent woman is a woman who have her own things that she got because she worked for it not because someone gave it to her or because she ask someone for it. I admire an independent woman and I strive to be one. I am very independent I know I am. At a very young age I learn to do a lot of things by myself when my friends would ask their parents to help them. Like I would take showers by myself very early and I would dress myself when my friends had to wait for their parents to help them. I could not understand why wait when You could figure a way to do it on your own I think I was like that because I hate to wait and I would like to prove that I could do it on my own even though at first I didn't know how. But I would learn or watch how other people do it so I could do it on my own. Because of that I could pretty much do a lot of things by myself and I hate when other would help me and my mom taught me to rely on myself and my strength to get things done. She always say you are very strong little girl and I know you will do just fine by yourself... even though I didn't know that I was strong enough but my mom believed that I was and that made me start believing maybe I could be strong. I am an only child so I had to do everything on my own from playing by myself to create things that could be fun. My cousin was too old to play with me so I would do everything on my own when he didn't feel like playing with a kid. Don't get me wrong I love my cousin he's like and older brother to me but the age gap was just a problem for us to always click until I grew older then we started to click well. But being an only child made me even more independent because I want to do everything by myself and I love it that way. I don't like asking for help and I probably should. Not asking for help does not necessarily means that you are independent it can be annoying because your task just got a lot more difficult instead of just asking for someone to help you. You should always ask for help it does not mean that you are weak, we all need help maybe not constantly but we all do need it.
I just can't see myself not doing anything I mean I have to be working on something to acquire something else in return it might be a check, knowledge or just the thrill of accomplishing something. I consider a woman independent if she work for what she earn. Someone who does not wait for other people and tries to find a way out or a solution. I love buying my things with my own money because I feel like I deserve it and so I will always work hard to earn more. I don't like asking for things I like working for it. Like when I was younger I would get money from my parents for having good grades I would bet with them that I would get an A and they would give me even more money. If someone give me money just like that I would ask why simply because I don't like taking things I don't deserve or didn't work for I would feel bad about taking it.
2017-06-14T17:39:15+02:00
I like somebody who can bring the side I never thought I had,
somebody who can bring the hood out of me.
Someone who I am not afraid to be myself with.
someone who I can say corny things to without sounding dumb as I create a poem.
Someone who will not hide their true self.
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