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2020-03-09T16:29:47+01:00
I am reformatting my brain,
I am trying to forget the color of your car or what type it was.
I am deleting every conversation we ever had.
I am creating new habits because you're no longer part of my life.
I am trying to be myself instead of trying to be someone you would want, but I never know who that was.
I am taking out everything that remind me of you.
Trying to get a different feel of life and seeing it on a new light.
2020-03-09T03:43:04+01:00
I see all the pictures of us,
a warm feeling comes over my heart as I think of the old times.
suddenly I get this feeling of panic looming over me.
I am wondering why I smile and you don't in some pictures.
I am looking at them closely and the more I look the less genuine your smile seems.
I am asking myself now if you really wanted to smile or were you doing it by routine.
I can sense something that wasn't there before.
suddenly I want to close my eyes and be transported back to old times....
2020-03-09T01:18:50+01:00
I have a lot of ideas of things that I want to write about. I really don't make time for it...I wish I had a day to actually sit down to write you know what I need a desk, I need to be more organized. (excuses) haha yes I know. I am sort of distracted at the moment. I have been coming here even though I am busy even though it is late at night I still try to write something because practice makes perfect. I know that to reach something close to perfection one has to work as hard as they could possibly can and still do a little bit more.
2020-03-07T05:54:36+01:00
I am great... I have been eating again and I feel much better. I don't have time for anything other than school, work, God...I am booked. so if you're trying to get a hold of me and you end up here, I have been busy.
2020-03-07T05:33:06+01:00
As the cold air blows against my face I feel all the weights lifted off of me.
Suddenly my heart is becoming light as I keep breathing.
I thought it was going to stop me.
I thought it was going to weigh me down.
I thought I was going to suffer.
I thought I was going to be sad.
but instead I am happy.
I feel more at peace.
I feel more like myself as I let it slip out of my hands,
I thought I was going to cry but instead I have been laughing more than before.
My heart is smiling at me for saving it from being broken this time.
I thought it was a lost cause but instead I have found myself.
I didn't think I was going to make it.
But my mind wanted the best for my heart.
They are both thanking me for choosing peace.
2020-03-06T04:08:49+01:00
hey there,
I am just tired of everything especially fake people...I cannot stand people who smile in front of me and talk bad behind my back. I know that I cannot control what people say about me but I just want to preserve my peace. I like being at peace and no one is bothering me. I just want to feel safe in my own bubble but that's hard when so many people always try to burst that bubble I don't know how they find me out of all people...like I literally mind my own business and I barely talk to people I don't know. People think I am quiet but they don't know I am secretly crazy and that I talk a lot which can be annoying at times. Anyways only very few people get close to me and you know why? because I like my peace and I feel safe knowing that I am not out here like that.
2020-03-04T15:00:05+01:00
You ever had a dream Inside of a dream and a dream Inside of another dream. It’s like you wake up and see yourself having the dream and you're like wow really you’re really dreaming about that? but you still haven't woken up yet so you see yourself joking about the dream you just had while you're still dreaming.
2020-03-04T02:35:48+01:00
more questions to answer.
I actually like those questions.
I like black pen because it looks like typed letters just a little bit messy.
Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?
I like the country side. I do not like the city even if you pay me I simply won’t live in a busy area. I’ve always lived in a deserted place or a place that is on the inside of a very quiet neighborhood. In my country I did live somewhere that looked like the city but the house was kind of far back I didn’t feel like I was part of everything happening on the outside.
Hell yes ! I put extra sugar in both. I don’t like anything bitter. (I’m sweet so, haha it sounded a lot better in my head) don’t read that again it was awful.
Is it weird that I remember because I read it so many times over and over again. It was “oui oui et le gendarme” it’s a French book some of you may not know.
I like both and I can do them consecutively.
I would choose to be a fairy. I don’t know why but I think Angelina Jolie made me feel like it’s the sexiest thing alive.
Paper because I feel more connected to the author.
Uhmmmm... I think my pink turtleneck sweater. I love turtleneck shirts like a lot maybe a little too much.
Yes I love my name there’s a big story behind it... would I change it? hell no.
Someone I can go to for advice and someone who has a lot more experience.
2020-03-03T17:45:08+01:00
so this is not that relevant but I am bored and I'm like might as well leave this here. I might delete later though...
why I haven't been in a relationship.
It's no surprises I said that before...I am actually avoiding relationships at the moment to be honest and it's not that I cannot be in one or that I don't want to be in one (actually yh I don't want to), I can but will it be the type of relationship I want to be in? that will be hard to find but that's not impossible. I just have no tolerance for people wasting my time which is why I don't reply to any flirty text anymore to anyone that I have no interest in. As soon as I sense that someone is getting too close and on top of that something is very fishy about them I'm going to run away I don't believe in the whole let me stick around and see how this ends type of girl. I will end it before it gets too far off the edge because I barely got time to sleep and on top of that I don't want to be stressing out about some relationship issue and losing sleep that I barely got in the first place. I don't feel ready mentally and the whole process of getting to know someone is not somethig I am looking forward to right now. I want my peace now, I want to keep my sanity... I want to stay inside my unburst-able bubble (that's not a word I just made it up I just wanna say that my bubble cannot be burst) I want to feel at peace. So no I don't want anybody's son at the moment.
2020-03-03T15:34:18+01:00
1. close your eyes and think of five things that make you smile when you think about them. what are they?
2. if your house was on fire and you had sixty seconds to leave, what would you take with you?
My phone because how am I supposed to call 911... my laptop because I have a lot of things that aren't saved anywhere online on it.
3. when you're alone in the middle of the night and you can't quite get to sleep, what do you think about?
I think about the future and I imagine all the things I want on there.
4. what is love to you?
a choice and a commitment.
5. what is the opposite of love?
uhm hate? duhh
6. is it possible to love someone if you don't love yourself ?
Personally I don't think it's possible because you can only give what you have in you to give. If you don't have love how can you give it to someone? like you may think you know what love is, as long as you hate yourself you cannot love anyone else that is just my opinion.
7. do you focus more on the past, the present or the future?
the future, I don't think about the past as much as I used to, it's usually bad memories. I move on real quick now, my happiness is more important.
8. do you judge people for what or how they express themselves? (be honest)
ok I am not too judgmental but we all judge I mean do I judge? yes but not as much as I used to.
9. when you're very scared or worried, what do you think about or do to help you feel better?
I close my eyes and breathe deep.
10 how do you feel about what happens after death?
I see it as a very peaceful sleep... I think of sleeping beauty.
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