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It's all fun and games until I tell you what it's like to be me, until I stop smiling and acting stupid and tell you with a straight face that it's not really easy being me.
I feel things really deep inside and words do break my heart more than anyone's action could ever done to me. My smile means a thousand word. It means that I am proud of myself for not giving up during those dark times when I was alone and all I wanted was to reach out to someone but I was too preoccupied with my own demons to even pick up the phone to call or text, It means that I am okay again and I don't know how long it's going to last. The brighter I smile and the more I smile it means that I just overcome something that was meant to break me. My laugh also means something, it means that I am celebrating life again and trying to forget each time that I wish I was not here. It also means that I am trying to prove to myself that I can be happy if I allow myself to be.
My silence means more than a thousand words could say. It means that I have so much to say but I am so scared of being misjudged that I would rather not say anything at all. It means that something inside of me is holding me back and I wish I could break free right this moment but it's hard. It means that I am fighting a battle and I am afraid that no one else would understand me. There was a lot of times that I wanted to speak, I wanted to share my opinions but I didn't because I was scared. Every time I stayed quiet this thing that I am fighting with makes me feel powerless even if I have the power to get back up and be okay afterwards but in the moment where I want to speak and I can't I feel powerless.
I am fighting a battle each day and I know that we all are. I want to take a moment to say how I am proud of you that you are here today, how you are breathing and how you are willing to give yourself another chance. Most days I am willing to try again but some days I feel beat down, I feel like I cannot fight again and that maybe I should sit this one out; but if I do who's going to fight for me? I want to make it. but each day is a struggle. The feeling of being alone, of not being enough, of being powerless, of being hard to love, of being quiet, of being different, of being weak is weighing me down. Each day I have to try to stay positive, to believe that I am enough, to know that I am not alone even if no one is next to me or with me on this but God is...I constantly have to remind myself of those things and sometimes it is hard to believe otherwise and I fall back into this deep hole. For some reason I always find myself out of it and I used to think that I was the one bailing myself out but lately I can see that I never had that power only God does...I don't know how strong I am but I know that In those moments where I feel weak something always make me feel like I got way more to offer.